TUESDAYS 10|9c

Household Manual: The Piper Family

  • By Kitty Toombs

WELCOME TO THE REAL PIPER’S PIT!

You made it!  You have found the hidden house on the hill of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and our beautiful family!  The former Intercontinental, Tag Team champ and WWE Hall of Famer and I are glad you came to our warm, animal-loving, bagpipe-playing home.  It’s very busy around here these days, so I hope you’re ready to roll up your sleeves. 

 

In addition to maintaining our large farm house on ten acres and all of the animals, I also help my husband with all of his activities and travel.  He still tours as a stand up comedian, podcaster, and executive producer of the television show Portland Wrestling Uncut.  He also still makes appearances as a WWE Legend, so keeping his schedule is quite a task.  My son is Colt and he is 23, living at home for now.  His fiancée, Sarah also lives with us and love is definitely in the air as they plan their wedding!  I have been putting in overtime helping with that.  Falon is my daughter wrapping up her senior year in high school.

 

From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed, I am a Superwoman with all sorts of hats and I love it!  I am chauffer, grocery shopper, business manager, soccer mom, peacekeeper, and maid.  I hope you have these skills, or my family will fall apart.  Also, the goats will be pissed, the fish will be starving, the cats will meow, the dogs will pant and the African Grey Parrot will mock you.  Our house is like Noah’s Ark!

 

I love my family dearly but I cannot sugar coat this: I do everything around here.  While my husband was out hitting people over the head with coconuts, I did the laundry, made the meals, managed the bank accounts, packed the suitcases, unpacked the suitcases, and nursed the wounds, and after 30 years not much has changed, except that I enjoy my life even more now and it is busier than ever.  One of the highlights is getting to do it all with a gorgeous view of Mount Hood.

 

We live up in the hills on purpose.  You have to live far away from people when you are the WWE’s most famous villain and one of America’s favorite curmudgeons, so we built this house deep in the Portland Mountains.  Here nosy neighbors, crazy stalkers, or door-to-door salesmen can’t get to us.  That was Roddy’s dream all along, to be completely solitary.  

 

As you walk around, you probably noticed that there are a few things here and there that don’t work or maybe a knick or a crack that needs touch up paint.  This is a loved, worn home.  We live a very simple lifestyle here, partly because there’s only so much I can do to keep a home this large up to spec but mostly because my husband and I are extremely frugal and thrifty.

 

Roddy has been very wise with his money and is a great saver.  It’s served us well.  He’s a retired WWE Superstar without a ton of debt because we use coupons, buy the necessities like cars secondhand, and focus our big purchases on the kids and our animals.  As a result, we can enjoy a life without big bills to hold us down.

 

I have some quick tips for success in our eccentric home.  First, do not talk to Rod in the morning, EVER, FOR ANY REASON.  He’s not a people person when the sun is rising.  Just make sure his smoothie is juiced and cold when he wakes up.  Second, if given the choice between purchasing anything new or used, get it used and save the cash.  Finally, if voices in the house start to get louder and more tense, tell everyone to go to their rooms to cool off.  Roddy can be intense, especially if you speak to him before he’s ready to talk in the morning.

 

Oh, and if you don’t like the sound of bagpipes at midnight, get some earplugs.  Just make sure you set that alarm!  Getting ready for a day with Roddy, the kids, the goats, the bird, the cats, fish and the dogs starts long before anyone wakes up!


HOUSEHOLD ROLES

Roddy wears the kilt in this house, so I don’t make the decisions for the family, but I do see everything through from the finances to the fresh foods.  I don’t expect attention or praise for anything, though.  I love making sure everyone is taken care of.  I can sacrifice relaxation time in a heartbeat if I know I can help make my family more comfortable.  When I have downtime, I like to embroider or play with the animals.

 

This will sound harsh, but I told Roddy years ago to stop sending me flowers every time he acts like a big jerk.  He’s my big jerk and I love him. Deep down he’s a big softy.  He’s needy because of his injuries, but those injuries built us a really beautiful life here with our kids.  He still tours part time with the WWE as a retired Hall of Famer and also performs stand up comedy, so when he comes home from making the bacon, I fry it up and keep his leg, hip, or elbow elevated and iced.

 

OUR CHILDREN

Colt and Falon are our two kids who still live at home. Colt is an aspiring MMA star and wrestler.  My worst nightmare came true: father and son wrestlers in my house! He is training all the time and practices with the best in the business. He is always a gentleman, never swearing, always centered and just recently got engaged to Sarah. They met at a gym and have a wonderful relationship but he is still a momma’s boy. Colt doesn’t think anything should be handed to him; Colt always helped Rod by being his assistant and putting in his dues.

 

Sarah is his fiancée.  She is very stylish and level-headed.  It’s difficult being in public with our family because of Roddy’s fame but she handles it like a pro.  She’s engaged to an aspiring wrestler, so I see a lot of myself in her.  I’ve told her to talk to me anytime she feels insecure, especially in a world where her man is always being fawned over by female wrestling fans.

 

Falon is a senior at high school; she is daddy’s little girl. Falon is perfect at everything and an unbelievably talented cheerleader. She is the captain of the squad, and also does choir. She gets straight A’s and wants to be a psychiatrist. Right now she’s in the middle of the college application process and figuring out where she wants go to school.

 

Roddy is so proud of his kids that he attends every event they take part in but always dresses incognito.  He’s so recognizable that everyone wants to talk to the “Hot Rod” and he doesn’t want it to take away from his kids’ biggest moments.  He usually dresses like a hobo with baggy clothes and a hoody at cheerleading events and sits in the back of the stadium.

 

COOKING & EATING HABITS

 

There’s only one rule in this house when it comes to food.  Rod won’t eat leftovers and that's the end of that discussion. 

 

We eat a lot around here with two wrestlers and a very active teenager and I do all the cooking. Everyone has their own schedule and eats at different times. Somebody will walk in the kitchen and I just ask them what they want and then I will start the oven or boil the water.  

 

We eat healthy. Colt is on a regimented diet so keeping the fridge stocked with healthy food is always important. Rod drinks fruit and veggie smoothies every day with kale, beets, ginger, spinach juice and protein powder in one of our smoothies. I make them fresh for him.

 

We try to sit down as a family twice a week but Sunday is mandatory family dinner.  That dinner is more indulgent and usually ends with a family movie viewing.

 

We rarely go out to dinner. Rod prefers to stay at home and have me cook. Plus, we don’t like to spend the money on ourselves unless the kids are with us.

 

CLEANING & CHORES 

I’m the maid here.  If it needs to be scrubbed, disinfected, picked up off the floor or sewn, I’m your woman. The kids do their own laundry and are in charge of keeping their rooms clean. Colt is responsible for taking out the garbage but has to be asked many times. Falon helps with the dishes and takes care of the dogs.

 

The kids and I pitch in with the goats but I do most of it.  You will need to milk them, clean up poop, feed them, or herd them and their guardian dog.  I will also need to rely on you to feed the fish several times a day, clean the bird cage, maintain the cat boxes, play with the dogs, and pick up after every animal’s mess.  It’s not that difficult to me, but I’ve been surrounded by wrestling superstars for a quarter of a century.

 

DAILY ROUTINE

Around 6AM I get out of bed and start getting Falon ready for school, making sandwiches and keeping her on schedule and also handling every minor detail of the animals needs from feeding to cleaning.  After she heads off to school, I drive into town and pick out Roddy’s fresh fruit and veggies to blend.

 

When I get home, I tip toe (softly) around the house so I don’t wake him and eventually start making him his fresh liquid breakfast.  I take it to him and help him get up and around the house avoiding burdening him with complicated questions or news.  He makes the first move always in terms of speaking.  The whole time, I’m packing orders from his online store for fans, booking his appearances, managing our banking, calling handymen to repair anything around the house I can’t fix on my own, and cleaning up around our huge property.

 

Roddy spends much of his day recording his podcast, talking to fans on social media, writing scripts, or relaxing and trying to take his mind off of the pain of thirty years of brutal athleticism. 

 

After Falon finishes class and cheer, she heads home dead tired and I make her dinner.  Colt is in and out throughout the day, training wrestling, and helping out with Roddy’s business. 

 

I make meals individually as necessary and clean up after everyone eats.  We try whenever we can to sit around the TV together to watch a movie.  Most of us go in and out of consciousness throughout the evening.  It’s a busy day, and each day seems to get busier, especially for me.


DISCIPLINE

Roddy always says, “Just when you think you have all of the answers, I change the questions.”  The kids are wise to his eccentricities and they get away with murder here.  At his core, Roddy is so sensitive and loves our kids so deeply that he usually caves on pretty much everything, eventually.  His passionate arguments can go on for hours though. 

 

The kids understand that, in order to be successful in life, they have to work hard and stay grounded. So family time after homework and work is a big deal for us.  Roddy is more about disciplining the people who come in contact with his family than he is about correcting problems in the house.

 

He loves to scare the daylights out of boys who come over to spend time with Falon.  Anyone who treats her improperly will be the victim of his profession, he always jokes. 

 

OUR RELATIONSHIP

Roddy always says that I’m an animal person and he’s an animal. That's why our relationship works.  He thinks I’m a saint for putting up with him, but he gives me so much.  He’s so funny, even after all of these years and sometimes he will just give me a look that makes me laugh hysterically.  That’s worth much more than diamonds, and his kind heart is more romantic than a box of chocolates.  He’s as wonderful as he is difficult.

 

We met before he was famous, before he was the intercontinental champion or a hall of famer and we’ve been together long after he retired.  In 2006, he was diagnosed with cancer and he survived.  We’ve been together through the best and the worst.  He’s the one for me.

 

Sure, it would be nice to take care of myself once in a while, but I’m not sure I’d know how to.  I’m not into make-up, big hair or fancy clothes.  To me, the happiness of my family says more about my worth than an expensive pair of shoes.  I love this life of giving tender loving care away to the people I treasure the most and hope you enjoy doing the same in my absence.

 

Sincerely,

Kitty Toombs


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