Hello – I’m Cousin Sal The Terrible. My close friends call me Cousin Sal the Disgraceful. My record speaks for itself. 2-6 against the spread over the past two weeks. The bad news is with 3 games left in the season it’s almost time to pay up. The good news is I’ve hired Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon to do work on my face so that I’m completely unrecognizable. Better that guy than whatever thug my bookie sends over to do it. Hey Conan – if you’re smart you take the $45 million, bet exactly the opposite of what I’ve picked below – then buy NBC for 65 bucks and pocket the rest. Just a thought. Here’s week 20. Best wishes to all of us:

Colts (-8) over Jets

I know what you're thinking - if the Jets can just pressure Colts backup quarterback Curtis Painter the same way they did . . . oh wait.  I'm taking Indy for one gigantic, glaring reason.  This year when they play their starters they win – every single time.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.  So here we go - the smartest quarterback in the history of the NFL backed back by the dumbest gambler in the history of sports prognosticating.  Should be interesting.   (27-10)

Saints (-3.5) over Vikings

As a die-hard Cowboys fans I feel I should not be forced to watch or even pick this game.  It’s New Orleans’ “Who dat?  Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?" vs. Minnesota’s “Pants On The Ground” Vikings?  Really - those are our choices?  Is this a football game or a sing-along with Barney the dinosaur?  My only hope is that this game ends quickly and that the Vikes head coach/registered sex offender lookalike Brad Childress doesn't end up buying a townhouse in my neighborhood.  (37-21)

That’s that.  Enjoy conference championship weekend. Oh and don’t be a creep – donate to Haiti NOW!

-        Cousin Sal

1-3 last week. I’ll be honest – I only avoided an ofer because I was compelled to pick my beloved Cowboys. And here’s the crazy part. Things are so bad gambling-wise for me I’ve convinced myself that the more I donate to the relief effort in Haiti the more God will reward my charitable nature by allowing my picks to come to fruition. As if none of the Vikings fans donated or something. I know it’s really dumb but this is how a desperate man thinks.

And this is also how a desperate man thinks: 

Cardinals (+7) over Saints
Remember how badly the Saints killed teams at home this year? Me neither. Probably because it hasn’t happened since we were belching up cranberry stuffing the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I realize the Cardinals defense is as penetrable as Snooki’s g-string when they announce “last call” at Kharma (Jersey Shore reference – shame on you for not watching) but I still say the incredible retirement roll Kurt Warner is on should be enough for the Cards to keep this one close.  (27-24)

Colts (-6.5) over Ravens
Betting against Peyton Manning at home when he’s up against a team he’s already faced this season is about as stupid as asking a rival talk show host to come on your show and then allow him to eviscerate you while you stand there like a hump. Peyton dumps the over-rated Ravens defense on their fat prosthetic chins. (31-13)

Cowboys (+2.5) over Vikings
As a Cowboys fan I’m terrified of this game. This many people haven’t jumped on the road team’s bandwagon since – well since last Sunday when the Packers played the Cardinals. Still - in a completely biased opinion – I see Spencer and Ware being too much of a problem for old man Favre. Not to sound cliché but this one’s in the colostomy bag. (31-21)

Chargers (-7) over Jets
There needs to be some punishment for Rex Ryan who just a few weeks ago deemed his team done for the season. Oh – I got it – how about his Jets have to finally face a legitimate, healthy first string NFL quarterback who’s actually trying to win? Yeah – that’s it. Chargers break out on the ground and in the air . . . and maybe underground as well. That’s how bad it will be. (30-16)

That’s that!  Enjoy divisional playoff weekend.

Cousin Sal

Bengals (-2.5) over Jets
The Super Sal Power Poll ranks these two as the worst teams these NFL playoffs has to offer. That said - I'm picking against the squad who spent the last two weeks beating up a gang of JV-players to get to the playoffs. (20-7)

Cowboys (-4) over Eagles
Quick thought from me and the hundreds of thousands of other Cowboys fans who have been repeatedly punched in the stomach over the past 14 years - "Please God don't let this come down to a Shaun Suisham FG attempt! Please God don't let this come down to a Shaun Suisham FG attempt! Please God don't let this come down to a Shaun Suisham FG attempt!" (28-9)

Patriots (-3) over Ravens
The most penalized team in the NFL visits Foxboro to face the most protected momma's boy player in NFL history. Not to mention Joe Flacco is finally starting to resemble a quarterback from the University of Delaware. Oh and the Cheatriots don't lose at home in the playoffs – EVER! Too many factors - New England rolls. (31-17)

Packers (even) over Cardinals
Okay - I'll admit Jesus loves Kurt Warner - just not as much when he plays at home (4-4 this season) which works great as I've yet to pick a road team. (35-31)

That's that. Enjoy Wild Card Weekend!

Cousin Sal

10-6 last week and a much less impressive 1-2 with my best bets.  But rather than reflect on last week or my miserable decade of mis-prognostication, in general, let's focus on the good things that happened over the last few days.  First off my near-do-well Cowboys shed the December curse by clinching a playoff spot.  Also – in his finest Moment of Zen – the great Jonathan Stewart led my west coast fantasy squad – Team Salivation – to its first championship ever.  And lastly – for the 12th straight year I managed to not get poisoned from my Aunt Chippy's lasagna soup on Christmas Day.  Things are looking up – enjoy this batch of mostly meaningless games:

Ravens (-10.5) over Raiders
With fluky (yes – I don't care if there are a bunch they're still fluky) wins over Philly, Cincy, Pittsburgh and Denver – the Raiders have cost bettors a ton of money this year.  They're basically the Bernie Madoff of the NFL except not nearly as handsome.  This week the must win Ravens and their punishing, healthier defense hand The Raidoff's a life-sentence.  (30-9)

49ers (-7) over Rams
The Rams are in very good shape to secure next year's number one draft pick overall.  All they have to do is suck horribly for one more week.  I think they're up for the challenge.  (28-13)

Bengals (+10) over Jets
Bad news Jets fans – your boys needs just one more win to make the playoffs against a team that is fielding their practice squad.  Yes – that's bad news.  If you've been following Gang Green for longer than 3 weeks you know whenever it seems too easy for this team – it's not.  Palmer (younger brother) and the Bengals at least keep this one close.  (17-16)

The rest . . .

Browns (-1)
Lions (+3)
Texans (-8)
Giants (+9)
Falcons (-2.5)
Colts (+8)
Panthers (-5.5)
Dolphins (+3)
Cardinals (+3.5)
Chiefs (+13)
Chargers (-3.5)
Seahawks (+4)
Eagles (+3)

That's that.  Enjoy week 17 and the New Year.  And remember – don't drink and parlay.

- Cousin Sal

1-2  last week with my best bets.  7-7-2 overall.   I gotta tell you - despite the despicable record I still think my picks are pretty damn solid.  Perhaps it was best stated by someone who visits this very website when they posted: “Sal - you pick games like a pig sifts through dirt”.  Well – thanks to you – ScienceofBallin – I’m ditching the family this Christmas and heading out to a pig farm in northern Iowa.  I MUST find out for sure if this is a compliment.  I’m pretty certain it is – just double checking.  Here’s week 16 – apologies in advance:

Titans ( -3) over Chargers
Chris Johnson has spent the last two months making NFL defenses look foolish.  How foolish you ask?  Like a Jersey Shore cast member explaining Obama’s health care plan – that foolish.     Yay – pop culture!!  With a first round bye secured this particular San Diego defense has nothing to play for.  I'll be pretty surprised (and pretty broke) if the Chargers decided to show up for this one.   (28-13)

Cowboys (-7) over Redskins
You do not want to get in the way of the great Sean Suisham when he's about to exact revenge on the team that cut him three weeks ago.  Kidding - of course.  It doesn’t really matter as his sub-par kicking services will not be needed.  This Redskins team has completely quit on head coach Jim Zorn who any day now should be receiving a pink slip to compliment his red challenge flag.  (30-13)

Vikings( -7) over Bears
Are you looking for the perfect stocking stuffer for a struggling #2 seed?  Look no further as Santa has provided Minnesota with the Chicago Bears in week 16.  With the help of 5 or 6 typical Jay Cutler miscues the Vikings should cover this spread with their defense alone.  (27-10)

The rest . . .

Raiders (+3.5)
Chiefs (+14)
Texans (+3)
Falcons (-9)
Panthers (+7)
Saints (-14)
Patriots (-7.5)
Seahawks (+14)
Cardinals (-14)
49ers (-12)
Ravens (+2.5)
Broncos (+7)
Jets (+5)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 16 and try not to strangle your loved ones this Christmas.

Happy holidays!

Cousin Sal

Here it is – week 15.  The most important week of the year for a gambler’s children.  Do they get Christmas gifts or does history repeat itself for the third straight year?  I’ll believe in Jesus so much more if some of these games come through: 

Jags (+3) over Colts
Peyton Manning is only playing the first half in this one.  Not because coach Caldwell is worried about him getting injured – but because Peyton already has a prior commitment to shoot 17 more DirecTV spots Thursday night.  Actually Manning is supposed to play the entire game - but the fact remains over the last 4 weeks Vegas has given away a ton of free money on the undefeated Colts. And -3 sounds way too easy.  Too fishy – take the Jags.  (29-27)

Cowboys (+7.5) over Saints
Cowboys fans – someone is screwing with us, right?  Namely the dirt bag who makes our schedule.  Hey – Dallas sucks in December as it is so let’s set them up against 3 division winners in the last four weeks.  Jackholes! Anyway – don’t even bother watching because here’s how it goes: the Boys play tough for three quarters... then it all falls apart and the Saints remain undefeated.  And with that a depressed Cousin Sal folds up his bad holiday sweaters and blows off the many Christmas parties he’s RSVP’d “yes” to.  The end.  (23-20)

Texans (-11) over Rams
What’s worse news for the Rams the fact that they had to cancel practice this week because many of their players had the swine flu or the fact that their starting quarterback’s name is Keith Null?  I say both factors are devastating.  Houston rolls.  (31-10)

The rest . . .

Browns (+1.5)
Bills (+7)
Cardinals (-12.5)
49ers (+7.5)
Ravens (-11)
Chargers (-6.5)
Raiders (+14)
Titans (-3)
Falcons (+5)
Bucs (+6.5)
Packers (+2)
Vikings (-9)
Redskins (+3)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 15.

-         Cousin Sal

Hi.  I’m Cousin Sal and I have a problem.  You’ll understand better if you allow me to take you through my last few whirlwind days – beginning with Thursday night.  That’s the night I picked the exact score of the Jets-Bills game.  (19-13).  Quite a feat.  Who the hell picks the number “19”? That’s like making it to the final round of Wheel Of Fortune and picking the letter “Z” as one of your five consonants.  Either way – correctly predicting the final score of a pro football game is something I hadn’t done since the 16th grade so I did what anyone would... I immediately went off to cheat on my hot Swedish supermodel wife with a bevy of floozy cocktail waitresses.  Then – just as I returned from Oslo after accepting my Nobel Prize in  Prognosticating – something terrible happened.  I proceeded to go 3-12 with the rest of the games on the week 13 slate.  Well, rather than wallow in self-pigskin pity I’m bouncing back strong in week 14.  Probably not – but read on anyway: 

Raiders (+1) over Redskins
I just realized something – the Redskins actually lost that game to the Saints last week.  Astounding. As is the fact that this year the Raiders have beaten the Bengals, Eagles and Steelers.  Don’t worry – I will not make the “I only wish Al Davis was alive to witness it” joke.  I refuse.  Crap game – I’m picking the slightly less crap team at home. (20-10)

Patriots (-13.5) over Panthers
Tom Brady had a baby boy this week.  That means in the last nine or so months a human woman has allowed him to make sweet, sweet love to her.  Hard to believe.  I think I can speak on behalf of all heterosexual men when I say that dude is hideous.  I get the feeling when this one’s over it’s the tough-talking Carolina defensive backs who will end up with placenta on their faces.  (38-13)

Eagles (+1) over Giants
As a Cowboys fan I have an impossible time trying to figure out who to root for in this game.  As a football fan who frowns upon fluky Super Bowl wins that come as a result of a sixth string receiver catching a ball with his helmet I’m pulling for Philly.  Eagles prevail in a close one . . . check out the score – IT’S A LOCK!!  (19-13)

The rest . . .

Browns (+10)
Seahawks (+6)
Bengals (+6.5)
Colts (-7)
Bucs (+3)
Chiefs (pk)
Bears (+3)
Saints (-10.5)
Lions (+13.5)
Jaguars (-3)
Titans (-13)
Chargers (+3)
49ers (+3.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 14.

- Cousin Sal

Look at me.  I've hit 5 out of my last 6 best bets.  Unless you’re wearing industrial safety gloves and are overall impervious to burns I suggest you keep your distance because I am stupid HOT!  I mean stupid like cheating on your Swedish supermodel wife with a waitress from Tool Academy – that stupid! And it all continues in week # 13 – unlucky for some – not this guy:

Jets (-3) over Bills
Tune in Thursday night to catch the wonderful story of a Mexican-American rookie quarterback who travels to Canada to temporarily save his fledgling team's season.  I’m not picking the Jets as much as I am picking against the unlikely event of Buffalo winning two games in a row.  (19-13)

Texans (pk) over Jaguars
I don't get it.  The Jaguars already beat the Texans.  They have a better team... a better record... they have possibly the most explosive three-named running back in fantasy or reality football.  And they're still NOT favored?  At home?  This line is fishier than my Aunt Chippy’s scungilli casserole.  Vegas knows something we don't.  Go the other way.  (20-16)

Vikings (-4) over Cardinals
The Cardinals have the daunting task of figuring out a way to win at home. It’s not happening this week vs. a Vikings team that just got finished playing perfect November football.  I think if God is as in love with Kurt Warner as much as the Cardinals quarterback thinks he is he'd send him a message to sit this one out. (27-20)

The rest . . .

Chiefs (+5)
Patriots (-5)
Bucs (+6)
Bears (-9)
Titans (+7)
Lions (+13)
Steelers (-14.5)
Redskins (+9.5)
Eagles (-5.5)
Chargers (-13)
49ers (pk)
Cowboys (-2.5)
Ravens (+3)

That's that.  Enjoy week 13.

- Cousin Sal

12-4 last week. 3-0 with my best bets.  Finally – something to be thankful for!  Not to mention – my cousin Jimmy and I cashed in on Donny Osmonds’s totally awesome dancing at 7/1 odds . . . as well as Sarah Palin over 619 typos in her new book.  I’m hotter than Stove Top Stuffing and I’m keeping it going in week 12:   

Cowboys (-14) over Raiders
This is the game where a kick finally hits The Jerry Jones Trillion Dollar Mega-Video Egoboard, right?  Beware Shane Lechler!  If one of your dozen or so punts strikes the scoreboard it may just knock the number “40” under the name “Dallas” back onto your scrawny head.  The Cowboys offense - unlike the Oakland owner - comes back to life.  (40-16)

Titans (-2) over Cardinals
Right now Chris Johnson is the best player in the NFL or really any football league for that matter.  Kurt Warner’s concussed brain is so scrambled instead of his usual 10 minute intervals he’s thanking Jesus every 90 seconds.  The combination of those two factors is not a good one for the Cardinals who are way overdue to lose on the road. (24-19)

Patriots (+3) over Saints
Over the past three weeks the Saints have played Cal Poly SLO, Mid-City Dental College and The Perkins School For The Blind.  That is no way to prepare for a Bill Belichick  team who is looking to avenge a horrible nationally-televised loss.  I say it’s 4th and 2 many obstacles for the undefeated Saints to overcome.  (30-20)

The rest . . .

Texans(+4)
Lions (+11)
Broncos (+7)
Bengals (-14)
Bears (+11)
Eagles (-9)
Bills (+3)
Rams (+3)
Bucs (+13)
Jets (-3)
Jaguars (+3)
Chargers (-14)
Ravens (-2.5)

That’s that.  Happy Thanksgiving!

- Cousin Sal

1-2 with my best bets last week.  7-8 overall.  I think.  I stopped keeping track.  Either way I’ve had it.  I am officially announcing my retirement from gambling effective next September.  Finally Steadman and I will be able to do what we enjoy most . . . bird-watching from our cozy 75-bedroom apartment in Montecito.  Still a year left – so I’ll try to make the best of it starting now in week 11:

Patriots (-10.5) over Jets
Do you get the feeling Belischmuck is gonna go for it on fourth down from now until the end of the season?  No need this week.  Pats have too much venom in them for this one to be close. Cue the tears - Rex Ryan.  (42-17)

Raiders (+9.5) over Bengals
The Raiders step it up for exactly two home games a year. The Eagles game was number one.  This is number two.  I know it sounds crazy but I’m predicting upset here.  And if I’m wrong may Tom Cable slug me in the jaw with all his might.   (19-14)

Titans (+4.5) over Texans
Betting against Chris Johnson right now is like betting against a 13 year-old girl crying during a showing of Twilight.  Tennessee continues to roll.  (30-20)

The rest . . .

Steelers (-10)
Browns (+3.5)
Bills (+8.5)
Colts (-1.5)
Giants (-6.5)
49ers (+6.5)
Vikings (-10.5)
Redskins (+11)
Saints (-11)
Cardinals (-9)
Bears (+3)

That's that!  Enjoy week 11.

- Cousin Sal

1-2 with my best bets last week. 5-8 overall.  You know what I'm not good at doing?  Picking football games.  Worse yet - both my Cousin Jimmy and Uncle Frank celebrated birthdays this week and as a result of these despicable picks - I’m flat broke.  There’s an outside chance Joe Jackson will share his hard-earned allowance with me but I really can’t count on that.  So here I go.  I’m turning things around.  10 wins in week 10 . . . and they are: 

Steelers (-7) over Bengals
I realize he was out for over a month but can we just hand Troy Polamalu the MVP award already?  The guy is freaking amazing. He reminds me of Macy Gray if she didn’t have the crappy singing and dancing and instead displayed a never before seen gridiron ferociousness. Ochocinco is gonna need a ton more bribe money to help his team in this one.  (27-10)

Patriots (+3) over Colts
The Colts defense is really banged up.  It’s like the entire secondary tried taking a picture of Mike Tyson on an airport toilet.  Brady and the Cheatriots take full advantage.   (34-24)

Browns (+10.5) over Ravens
Poor ESPN.  This is why you don’t schedule games 8 years in advance.  This game is ESPN’s version of their World Series of Poker broadcast before you could see the hold cards.  Can’t they just run footage of Australian Rules Football dudes competing in the 1997 Scripps National Bee or something?  Even the Ravens get bored with this one.  (14 -9)

The rest . . .

Bears (+3.5)
Jets (-7)
Redskins (+3.5)
Titans (-6.5)
Vikings (-16.5)
Saints (-13.5)
Panthers (+2)
Dolphins (-10)
Chiefs (+2)
Seahawks (+9)
Packers (+3)
Chargers (-1.5)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 10.

- Cousin Sal

2-1 with my best bets last week.  7-6 overall.  Hello – please allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Stella and I've got my groove back.  I know - I'm still not exactly lighting the world on fire with my picks but anytime I can look down at .500 it's cause for celebration.  Besides – after watching the Yankees purchase another championship we all need to figure out ways to stay positive, right?  So relax and immerse yourself in this nice, warm bath of week nine winners:

Packers (-9.5) over Bucs
I know what you’re thinking.  You don't want to give Tampa coach Raheem Morris two weeks to prepare.  You just don't.  But it says somewhere in the NFL bible that the best cure for a devastating loss against your arch rival is a date with the Buccaneers.  The good news for the Packers is that the Bucs don’t have a Jared Allen on their team.  If you think about it they don’t even have a Lily Allen.  Aaron Rodgers in a rout.  (38-10)

Texans (+9) over Colts
I like the Texans because they were as balanced as any team that played in October.  Aside from that - is Ryan Moats really going to let down the tens of thousands of fantasy football owners who picked him first off the waiver wire this week?  Probably – but I still like the Texans to keep it close. (23-20)

Eagles (-3) over Cowboys
I hate picking against my favorite team.  It's like predicting your son is gonna screw up Silent Night at his pre-school holiday recital.  (No lie - I actually made money off of that one last year).  The reality is – at this point - the Eagles seem to be the more well-rounded squad.  They also seem to be playing at home.  Philly wins this game then loses the one that counts - January 3rd in Dallas.  Then I’ll be able to sleep in heavenly peace.  (27-14)

The rest...

Jags (-6.5) over Chiefs
Ravens (-3) over Bengals
Redskins (+10) over Falcons
Cardinals (+3) over Bears
Patriots (-10.5) over Dolphins
Saints (-13) over Panthers
Seahawks (-10) over Lions
Titans (+4) over 49ers
Chargers (+4.5) over Giants
Broncos (+3) over Steelers

That’s that.  Enjoy week 9!

- Cousin Sal

5-7-1 last week.  1-2 with my best bets.  Thank you!  Thank you!  I know – I’ve done it again.  Last month I urged you to go against each of my selections and it’s paid off big time.  How is it that I watch every play of every single game every week and I’m still terrible at this?  My prognosticating abilities make the Broncos throwback uniforms look like a pinstriped double-breasted Armani suit.   I may keep the Bernie Madoff mask on past Halloween.  That’s how bad things are.  Alright – enough... here are more losers.  And for God’s sakes please listen to my advice and take the other side.

Vikings (+3) over Packers
I have a bad feeling Green Bay is looking past this game instead of focusing on their marquee matchup next week with the Buccaneers.  I know it sounds cliché but I see this one ending with Brett Favre melting the Packers fans’ hearts as well as their cheesy heads on a last second TD drive.  (24-20)*

* Note to Packers fans: If I print it – it’s almost definitely not gonna happen.  So don’t hate me.

Lions (-4) over Rams
It's tough because on the one hand the Lions are a bad team.  They’re the equivalent of getting a crappy Halloween candy like Bit-O-Honey.  But the Rams are even worse.  They’re the equivalent of getting pennies dropped in your candy bag.  But then if you took the pennies and shoved them in your belly button for a week and then took them out and slathered them in swine flu and then ate them.  That’s the Rams.  I’m laying the points with the Bit-O-Honey’s. (21-9)

Texans (-3.5) over Bills
I realize the Texans have their hands full.  How in the world do you prepare for the great Ryan Fitzpatrick?   He’s gonna do his thing and you just have to hope for the best.  All sarcasm aside - Houston is a playoff contender and Buffalo is a fat unkempt beast whose claim to fame is appearing on the nickel a hundred years ago.  It’s true.  Texans in a route.   (35-13)

The rest . . .

Ravens (-3)
Bears (-13.5)
Eagles (-3)
49ers (+12)
Jets (-3.5)
Seahawks (+9.5)
Chargers (-17)
Jaguars (+3)
Cardinals (-9)
Falcons (+10)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 8.

-  Cousin Sal

1-2 with my best bets.  5-9 overall last week.  I’m done apologizing for my atrocious selections.  In fact - I told you people three weeks ago to go against every one of my picks.  I wasn’t kidding.  If you want to make a profit just look below and take the teams in bold/italics on the right side instead of the ones on the left.  It’s very simple.  Just pretend you’re reading Hebrew or have dyslexia.  It’s easy money – like holding an Ed Hardy clearance sale in Jon Gosselin’s living room.  So without further ado here are my week 7 gems – remember – right to left:

Packers (-7) over Browns
This week nearly a dozen Cleveland players were sent home from practice with flu-like symptoms.  Let’s face it – they barely play at an NFL level when healthy.  The Browns with the flu are like Lou Ferrigno with a tongue-piercing.  I like the pass-happy Packers offense to have its way with the phlegmy and already suspect Cleveland secondary. (33-9)

Dolphins (+6.5) over Saints
HUGE letdown game for the Saints.  The wildcat offense keeps Drew Brees off the field just long enough for Miami to prevail in a low-scoring affair. Speaking of low-scoring affairs what the hell is with that Steve Phillips dude?  (20-17)

Bucs (+15) over Patriots (in London)
Things are already heating up overseas.  Apparently, the Queen was fined 15k for knighting Tom Brady below the knees.  Zing!  Bad weather, jet lag and the fact that the Bucs do very little to inspire others to try translates to a lackluster performance where the Pats barely win by double digits. No cover here.  (27-16)

The rest . . .

Chargers (-5) over Chiefs
Colts (-13.5) over Rams
Bears (+1) over Bengals
Steelers (-5) over Vikings
49ers (+3) over Texans
Panthers (-7) over Bills
Falcons (+4) over Cowboys
Jets (-6.5) over Raiders
Giants (-7) over Cardinals
Skins (+7) over Eagles

That’s that.  Enjoy week 7.

- Cousin Sal

0-3 with my best bets last week.  5-9 overall.  I suck.  Plain and simple.  How else can I say it?   I have about as much business picking football games as Chuck Lidell does dancing the Paso Doble.  I have as much business picking football games as Roman Polanski does coaching the U.S. girls gymnastics team.  There – 2 more ways to say it.  

The truth is I should probably get in a Jiffy Pop hot air balloon and sail away from football wagering forever - but I can't.  There's work to be done and too few people depending on me.  So here's the best of my best in week 6:

Giants (+3) over Saints
As the late great Captain Lou Albano once said - "The Giants front seven is often imitated but never duplicated".  Maybe he never said that about the Giants but I’ll bet you a thousand goatee rubber bands that Big Blue’s monsters up front make all the difference in this one.  (19-17)

Jaguars (-9.5) over Rams
Poor Rush Limbaugh.  You'd think personally financing a $300 million stadium made of oxycontin bottles would ingratiate him to the city of St. Louis - but no.  The Rams have about as much of a chance stopping MJD as old Rush does taking part ownership in this team.  (30-7)

Texans (+4.5) over Bengals
Let's face it - if you throw away the records these two teams are basically the same.  I always say when in doubt go with the team who's getting points.  But when in debt - go against everything I always say.  (24-21)

 The rest . . .

Redskins (-6)
Steelers (-14)
Ravens (+3)
Panthers (-3)
Lions (+13.5)
Raiders (+14)
Cardinals (+3)
Jets (-9.5)
Titans (+9)
Bears (+3)
Chargers (-3.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 6.

- Cousin Sal

SPOILER ALERT:  If you DON’T want to know how week 5's games DON’T end up do NOT read the rest of this column.  I know - it's a lot of negatives. Similar to my gambling ledger. The point is my picks have sucked lately.  But things are gonna turn around for me.  The good teams are starting to get better and the awful teams are starting to play in Tampa.  I now have a handle on the NFL.  So please enjoy this winning slate:

Steelers (-10.5) over Lions
Here's how much the Steelers respect their week 5 opponent.  Big Ben and his lineman prepared for their upcoming game with the Lions by hosting two hours of the WWE's Raw.  Hmm... let's see — we can look at tape to see how we're going to handle the Lions 4-3 stunts or we can insert ourselves in a pro wrestling sketch which involves screaming and dwarves. I actually think Pittsburgh knows what they're doing - too many bad matchups for Detroit.  (34-19)

Pats (-3) over Broncos
Congratulations Broncos on finally having a solid defense.  Now get ready to be penalized 300 yards in personal fouls as Tom Cry Braby points out every time one of your aggressive pass rushers lurks within 7 yards of his cherished legs.  Denver is for real but this week The Brady Rules will be too much for the upstart Broncos to overcome.  (21-13)

49ers (-2.5) over Falcons
The first place 49ers could’ve sent a great message not signing their first round holdout.  What would’ve been better than leaving Crabtree with nothing except the silliest name in sports?  This defense is top notch and San Fran is undervalued.  You have exactly one week to benefit before Vegas catches on.  Go get ‘em. (17-7)

The rest . . .

Cowboys (-8.5)
Panthers (-3.5)
Eagles (-15)
Raiders (+14.5)
Bengals (+8.5)
Rams (+10)
Browns (+6)
Texans (+5.5)
Jags (-2)
Colts (-3.5)
Jets (-2)

That's that.  Enjoy week 5.

- Cousin Sal

2-1 with my best bets last week – but a miserable 6-10 overall.  This is a fickle game we play.  I can tell my devoted prognostication posse is upset with me.  You put together 2 losing weeks and just like that you get more dirty looks than Roman Polanski at a Build a Bear Workshop.  No need to re-hash.  I’m staying positive. Moving on to week 4:  

Ravens (+1.5) over Patriots
Right now the Ravens are just plain better.  And they're just plain getting points against a just plain team.  Last week Tom Brady looked about as bad as a quarterback can look in a convincing win.  Don't expect him to improve against the best defense in the NFL - maybe in years.  (27-20)

Browns (+5.5) over Bengals
I can't go a week without picking a despicably awful team over a contender.  I just can't.  I'm basically relying on a big performance by punt return specialist Josh Cribbs and the fact that the Bengals will be worn down from their exhausting trip to Cleveland.  (16-13)

Packers (+3.5) over Vikings
They're expecting this to be one of the most viewed ESPN telecasts of all-time.  Maybe even bigger than Pratyush Buddiga's heroic performance in 2002 Scripps National Spelling Bee. I predict a huge Favre collapse under pressure.  In fact - don't be surprised if he retires during the Friday walk-thru.  (27-13) 

The rest . . .

Raiders (+9)
Titans (-3)
Chiefs (+9)
Redskins (-7)
Seahawks (+9)
Bears (-10)
Dolphins (+2)
Saints (-7)
Rams (+9.5)
Cowboys (-3)
Steelers (-6.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 4.

- Cousin Sal

6-10 last week.  1-2 with my best bets.  I’m officially embarrassed.  These are not the numbers I was hoping to put up for my faithful football following.  Not a great week in general.  I travelled 1500 miles to see my Cowboys lose again in devastating fashion against the rival Giants.  (Trust me—it’s even worse when you’re watching the last second field goal split the uprights on a scoreboard that weighs 750,000 tons.  Then—to top it off—those heartless Dancing With The Stars judge bastards unceremoniously dismissed the great Macy Gray leaving me overcome with grief.  Now that the excuses are out of the way let’s move on to a prosperous week 3:

Titans (+3) over Jets
This line seems a little low—but whenever a good team in a must-win situation is getting points I'm taking those points.  Rex Ryan's Jets let down after an emotional slaying of Brady and the Cheatriots.   (19-14)

49ers (+6.5) over Vikings
Adrian Peterson is already banged up and may not practice until Friday.  You see—I told you—terrible, terrible fantasy pick.  My surprise team in the NFC makes Brett Favre look his age in this—the upset of the week.   (20-13)

Pats (-4) over Falcons
Perhaps it wasn't the best idea last week when Coach Belichick decided to bring in MacKenzie Phillips to deliver the halftime speech.  The Patriots rebound in a big way at home this week vs. an overrated (can I call them overrated three weeks in a row?) Falcons squad.  (30-20)

The rest . . .

Browns (+13)
Bucs (+6.5)
Texans (-3.5)
Bills (+6)
Chiefs (+9)
Redskins (-6.5)
Packers (-6.5)
Bears (-2)
Bengals (+4)
Raiders (+1.5)
Chargers (-5.5)
Cards (+2)
Panthers (+8.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 3.

- Cousin Sal

8-8 overall last week. I apologize to my readers and—of course—to Taylor Swift for my mediocre start. I was, however, 2-1 with my best bets against the spread and there’s no apologizing for that. The important thing is football is back. I’m actually slightly depressed about the fact that an entire week is already behind us. But we can’t think like that. Let’s push on to week two and more winners:

Panthers (+6) over Falcons
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers in his last two games. This after Carolina signed him to a $20 million extension. He’s the NFL’s version of Bernie Madoff. And like Madoff he’ll probably make my money magically disappear as I’m giving him one more chance to get his act together vs. an overrated Falcons defense. Two words, Jake . . . “hand” and “off”. (20-19)

Lions (+10) over Vikings
Are the Lions going to win this week? No. Would it be wise to bench Adrian Peterson in your fantasy league for this week 2 matchup? No. Is it ever a good idea to wager on a team that hasn’t won a game since long before Chastity Bono turned dude?  Probably not—but I feel there are still a few weeks left before the team quits on their rookie quarterback and head coach. So I’m doing it anyway. (24-20)

Bengals (+9) over Packers
I seem to have a gambling death wish. So far I’ve taken all crappy teams and the Cincinnati is no exception. Last week the Bengals could’ve been beaten by Jon, Kate and their 8. And that’s only 10 Gosselins—one short of a full squad. I predict they rebound big time vs. a Packers team that lets down after coming off a physical game last Sunday night. Ochocinco says you can put this one down in tweeting. (16-13)

The rest . . .

Chiefs (-3) over Raiders
Titans (-6.5) over Texans
Eagles (-1) over Saints
Rams (+10) over Redskins
Patriots (-4) over Jets
Cards (+3.5) over Jags
49ers (-2) over Seahawks
Bucs (+4.5) over Bills
Browns (+3.5) over Broncos
Chargers (-3.5) over Ravens
Bears (+2.5) over Steelers
Cowboys (-3) over Giants
Colts (-3) over Dolphins

That’s that.  Enjoy week 2 

-          Cousin Sal

It's here... and not a moment too soon. I couldn't be more ready for some football. The truth is I was actually ready about 375 ESPN mock fantasy drafts ago. I'm more excited than Jon Gosselin at a Ed Hardy sale. Mainly because I get to start off the season (0-0) with my pigskin prognostications. Let's face it - it's unlikely I reach .500 again the rest of the season.

However - here's a bonus pick I promise will come true: the soccer coach who - for no reason - moved my son's first game organized game from Saturday morning to this Sunday at 3 pm will sometime in the near future unexpectedly find four of his tires flattened. If you can find someone who will take that bet - jump all over it. Now onto the games:

Cowboys (-6) over Bucs
Did you know that with a victory this Sunday Bucs head coach Raheem Morris moves to number 15 on the list of all time victories for NFL coaches named Raheem? It's true - I looked it up. Not gonna happen as the Cowboys re-vamped offense creates too many mismatches for Tampa's hodge- podge defense. (30-17)

49ers (+6.5) over Cardinals
Week one stunner. Mark my words - the 49ers will win this division. This is a claim I've mistakenly made before the beginning of each of the past 5 seasons – mark 'em anyway. (30-10)

Patriots (-10.5) over Bills
The Bills fired their offense co-ordinator a week before playing the Patriots. That's like kicking your best man out during the cocktail hour. This marriage ends in ruins for Buffalo as Tom Brady and company dig in and teach the rest of the league a lesson for making fun of last season's silly splintered-foot injury. (40-20)

The rest . . .

Titans (+6) over Steelers
Broncos (+4) over Bengals
Browns (+4) over Vikings
Texans (-5) over Jets
Colts (-7) over Jaguars
Dolphins (+4) over Falcons
Ravens (-13) over Chiefs
Panthers (+1.5) over Eagles
Lions (+13) over Saints
Rams (+8.5) over Seahawks
Redskins (+6.5) over Giants
Packers (-3.5) over Bears
Raiders (+9) over Chargers

That's that. Enjoy week one. - Cousin Sal