After a busy holiday season, Vanessa’s actually looking for a quiet, no-fuss Christmas. He’s not sure Vanessa can go through with it, but he sets out to encourage their kids to hit the road and go on vacation for Christmas. To make it happen, Mike has to have Eve fired from Outdoor Man’s holiday roster, be a relationship counselor for one of Mandy’s friends, and convince Kristin that Canada is a wonderful place for Boyd to visit.
Vanessa: I spent days preparing a Thanksgiving feast for 26 people. I’ve earned the right to phone it in.
Eve: You aren’t kidding. Tonight’s dinner was 1-800-Crap.
Vanessa: It’s the holiday logjam, Mike. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Surviving all that is the real reason I allow myself to be…overserved on New Year’s Eve.
Mike: You gotta learn to pace yourself, honey. Then you might actually get to see that ball drop.
Vanessa: Been watching them drop for years, dear.
Mike: Socialized medicine in Canada…you’ll be in the waiting room for 12 months, with nothing to read but Moose Fancy.
Eve: Hey, I’m not greedy. I just believe the Baby Jesus would want me to have an iPad.
(Kyle and Eve wrapping presents at the Outdoor Man store)
Kyle: If Mr. Alzate comes by, would you mind telling him I taught you everything you know? Oh, and would you mind teaching me everything you know?
Eve: Kyle, this can’t be caught. I mean seriously, it’s so simple it literally can’t be taught.
Kristin: Ryan’s an only child.
Mike: Really? So they looked at him after he’s born and said, “Can’t do better than that, eh?”
Kyle: Hey Mr. B. -- just wanted to let you know, I fired Eve like you told me told to. She didn’t take it well. She said some things. Scary things. Would you mind walking me to my car later?
Ed goes hunting, and accidentally shoots a bald eagle. He was aiming for a turkey and the eagle swooped in. It has a GPS around his neck, so they have to dispose of it. And while Ed and Kyle are driving out to the woods to do just that, a sound from the truck signals that bird’s still kickin’, and off into the night he flies!
It turns out Boyd’s sad about leaving for Christmas, and then Vanessa starts hearing holiday music…and she breaks. Now she wants everyone home for Christmas. Mike makes it happen, and he looks like the hero -- which, it turns out, was his plan all along!
Ed: I’m so ashamed for the crime I’ve committed against my country. On the other hand, I bagged a friggin’ eagle!
Vanessa: I shouldn’t have bought a 20-pound ham.
Mike: Challenge accepted.
Eve: Dad, can I please have my job back at Outdoor Man? I’m trying to save up for that iPad, which…I guess I’m not getting?
Mike: Well, you never know. I do. You don’t.
Mike: I know you’re upset about Cancun.
Mandy: It’s just as well. Chloe and Leslie are fighting again…I don’t know, I think I’m dodging a bullet.
Mike: It’s Mexico, it’s a hail of bullets.
Ed: That eagle. Just like the great country he represents…just when you think he’s down, he soars again, higher than ever.
Mike: I don’t know how much altitude he’s gonna get -- there was a lot of blood in that bag.