Mike Baxter hires Greg Archer, the local high school’s highly recruited quarterback, for two reasons. One, because he’s popular and he’ll bring in more foot traffic, and two, because he seems like a good, hardworking guy. The first is true, and Mandy is part of that traffic, snagging a date with him in the process. But the second is way false -- he’s a total jerkface who’s got poor Kyle doing his work while he flirts with ladies in the store. And that's only when he's not napping.
Eve: Hey Dad, you think I could use that scope to take out that gopher in the backyard?
Kristin: So now we’re at war with all helpless little creatures?
Eve: If you rolled your ankle in a gopher hole, you’d be gunning up too.
(Ryan enters through the back door)
Mike: Speaking of hairy rodents who’ve become quite annoying…
Eve: Dad, you taught us to be self-sufficient.
Mike: And yet, you’re all still here.
Eve: I’m 14.
Kristin: I have a child.
Mandy: I’m here a lot less than you think.
Mike: Hey Ed, I’ve got a promotional idea.
Ed: I’m all ears.
Mike: It just looks like that because you’ve got no hair.
Mike: National Signing Day for high school athletes is where they pick the colleges that gave them the most money under the table.
Eve: I’m going to bury that gopher in one of his own holes. I wonder if gophers get irony.
Ryan and Kristin have a little discussion of their dating status, and they both make it clear they’re not seeing other people. That’s something to keep an eye on…
Mike catches on to Greg and fires him. That’s why he’s not at the store that night when Mandy arrives with Chinese food for their date. It’s just Kyle, presumably finishing up all of Greg’s work. He tells Mandy Greg wasn’t good enough for her anyway. They have a little picnic with the Chinese food, so Mandy got her romantic date after all -- with a much nicer guy.
Vanessa: Honey, you just have to accept that your daughters are going to like boys whether you like them or not. Unless of course they join a convent, and then they can be married to Jesus. Would you be OK with him?
Mike: I’d still want to meet his father.
Mike: Ninety-nine percent of these kids will never play for a pro team. Or even the Cleveland Browns.
Ed: Don’t knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren’t for them, the Bengals fans wouldn’t have anyone to make fun of.
Vanessa: Greg might be a bum, but we should let Mandy figure that out for herself.
Mike: Or we could do that other thing. What do they call it…it’s called parenting.
Kyle: Mandy, I know Greg’s a bad boy, and we’ve already discussed his killer glutes. But I don’t think he’s anywhere near good enough for you.
Mandy: Thanks, Kyle. You’re a really good guy.
Kyle: Yeah, I know. It sucks.