So I set a lot of goals in my life -- win Best Dressed in the yearbook, make out with Channing Tatum’s abs, get bangs the next time they come back around -- but none of them were as important as the goal I call The One. Like, if I were a goal, I would totally marry this one. In case you have weird priorities or are like so far behind you think that Heidi Klum and Seal are still together, The One was getting on Access Hollywood.
Overachiever that I am, I got on there two years ahead of schedule, which is pretty exciting for me. My goal of being a shockingly young fashion designer hasn’t exactly come together as fast as I’d hoped. Originally, I’d envisioned my skimpy, scandalous, yet totally classy and all-ages clothing line propelling me to stardom, quickly followed by me hanging out with other shockingly young stars. And part of my dream involved having a total meltdown at a hip club in West Hollywood at the age of 19 and getting in a really nasty public shouting match with Selena Gomez. The jumpy flipcam footage of our catfight that would get all the press would be the part where I yell “You’re not a real wizard!” and pull Selena’s hair.
And then of course, people would start saying that to each other for fun. (Try it out the next time someone has a Facebook fail or gets your pizza order wrong.) Soon after that it would turn into an internet meme, and then here’s where it gets all crazy genius: My company then makes t-shirts of it and sells them for $38 a pop. It’s brills, right? I profit off my own questionable behavior! That’s, like, the very definition of replicable success. It’s the best business plan ever.
But thanks to Kim -- who by the way, has magical hair that’s even more breathtaking in person -- I achieved my most cherished goal TWO YEARS ahead of schedule. If Eve does something like two hours before she’s supposed to Mom and Dad announce it at dinner and put her picture on the fridge or whatever. Two years. And I bet I still get a lecture.