Why is it that I can’t do anything without somebody assuming that it wasn’t my idea? Just because somebody else was vegan first doesn’t mean I can’t do it too. It’s not like everyone else around here is being original all the time or anything. Dad likes guns? Gee, no man has ever been all excited about those before. Kristin has a baby out of wedlock? Wow, she’d be the first if like EVERY CELEBRITY EVER hadn’t beaten her to the punch on that. But I’m the one who gets all the crap for trying to do something I believe in via someone else I admire. It’s ridiculous.
Especially because I’m following in the footsteps of someone who’s so totally worthy of footstep-following. I mean, Olivia Wilde has been a TV star and a feature film star. She’s a true, modern-day renaissance woman. If that’s not enough I guess I just don’t understand what sort of goals my parents want me to be striving for. Next thing you know they won’t support my performance art show where I attempt to mimic Lady Gaga’s outfits every day for a year.
My dad of all people should understand me wanting to be a vegan. He’s always preaching to me about balance. I shouldn’t go to the mall all the time unless I go to school occasionally; I shouldn’t read People and Us Weekly all the time unless I also read “real” books. Well, I have a dad who makes a point of trying to kill and eat one of every animal there is on the planet like he’s on some crazy reverse Noah’s Ark. So it makes sense that I’m trying to balance him out by not eating a bunch of animals.
I guess you can only see like 500,000 cute pics of animals on the Internet before you feel like you have to do something to help protect them. Except whales. They’re too big. I don’t like the idea of animals being that big. Also, manatees. I read on all these animal sites that there’s a problem with manatees getting chopped up by people in boats, which, as a vegan and animal rights activist, troubles me. But they’re gross, which makes it complicated. And when life gets complicated, I ask myself: What Would Olivia Wilde Do? And I’m pretty sure she’d say, “Don’t be gross.” Sorry manatees. You’re out.