So I’m not allergic to dogs. This. Is. An. Outrage. I could have been rubbing my face in every Japanese Chin I laid eyes on, but no. My mother denied me that pleasure. And one of the hottest fashion accessories of the past few years? Lacking from my wardrobe. Not cool.
How many years has Mom taken off my life with the anxiety I get every time I’m near a dog? Because let me tell you, living under the constant threat of watery eyes smearing my mascara is like, the worst. Not to mention the obvious question: What else have my parents been lying about? Maybe you DO achieve inner peace if you accumulate enough clothing. Is asparagus even good for you, or do they just think smelly pee is funny? (Note to Dad: It’s not.) I bet that learning new things totally doesn’t even make you smarter.
But ridiculous injustice aside, it’s going to be really great having Muffin around. He really is the perfect accessory. I’ve already picked out a couple leashes that complement my outfits. I went mostly with neutrals because I don’t want Muffin clashing with me and I also don’t want to have to change if I’m wearing something particularly chic that day. Also, he’s like the only person in this house who doesn’t judge me when I bring home another pair of shoes.
I can’t wait to take Muffin to the park, because then I’ll meet boys with dogs. I definitely want to meet a guy who has a big dog -- mostly because Nick Lachey looked silly with Jessica Simpson’s dog, and also because if Muffin is more manly than my guy’s dog, that’s just weird. But it’s tricky, because I also don’t want to be around a big dog all the time, because, hello, if that thing jumps up on me and puts his muddy paws on my outfit, or rips it? Hand to Gucci, I will rage.
So I guess I need a guy who has a big but super well-trained dog. Like if Cesar Milan and Taylor Lautner’s abs had a baby -- that might be my dream guy. He can help me train Muffin to do useful things like alert me when Kristin stealth-borrows clothes out of my closet, or only growl if she ever sees someone prettier than me. But if you've ever, you know, seen me, you'd know that dog is likely to be very, very quiet.