STORY 1: February 13 - Clive Bixby and Matters of Claire's Heart
Since Claire and Phil are babysitting baby Joe on Valentine's Day, they celebrate a day earlier by having another role-playing rendezvous as "Juliana" and "Clive Bixby." The tryst is cut short when Claire passes out after her heart suffers a minor arrhythmia known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Claire doesn't want it to be a big deal, but Phil wants her to be OK with him taking care of her once in a while.
STORY 2: February 14 - Jay and Gloria Get Romantic
Clive Bixby (after tying a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue): "I can make any kind of knot. It's like I have a sailor in my mouth."
Phil (on Claire passing out): "Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault. I think I was being too sexy."
Dr. Coben: "Yeah, I don't think that's an issue."
Phil (removing his jacket): "You sure about that?"
Dr. Coben: "I am prepared to rule that out."
Phil (on Claire's heart episode): "This is a huge deal! For which I'm partly responsible in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says."
Phil (suggesting Valentine's activities): "Side-by-side couples massage. Just you, me and couple Cambodian guys to work us over good."
Valentine's Day is the first time in six weeks that Jay and Gloria can get, as Phil puts it, "intimate," but a series of distractions keep getting in the way of things.
"Happy Valentine's Day! It's the one time of the year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck, world."Lily (interrupting Jay and Gloria):
"Are you kissing?"Jay:
"Bit of a mood killer..."Lily:
"My daddies kiss all the time."Jay:
"...and flatlined."Jay (on babyproofing):
"The human race has survived for a thousand years without these foam bumpers and gates everywhere. Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the car. When did everybody get so overprotective?"Gloria:
"Maybe when kids started flying off cars."Manny:
"My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it. I'm like, 'Which one?'"
____________________STORY 3: February 15 - The Hangover
Mitch and Cam throw a Lonely Hearts Party for their single friends on Valentine's Day. Cam urges Mitch to try to have some fun, which results in the couple waking up to a post-party aftermath that neither of them can remember. Their new housemate Dylan, however, has a clear memory of them inviting him to move in.
"Oh, please, like you've never had a few cocktails and dyed a cat pink with cherry Kool-Aid."Dylan (singing his gratitude to Mitch and Cam):
"So many years living life underwater
Came up for air in the room of your daughter
Never knew I would find my answer
In my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house
With the tiny pink panther."Mitchell (trying to tell Dylan he can't stay):
"This is really hard for me to say, but... we just cannot not
... wash our cat."Dylan:
"'We just cannot not
wash our cat'? Wow, that is
hard to say."