Phil (presenting to the class): "Guess what? I've been in your house when you weren't home! And yours. And yours. No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor."
Phil: "History is full of great rivalries. Athens and Sparta. Kerrigan and Harding. Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy."
Gil Thorpe: "Who wants a Gil Pickle?"
Phil (on Gil Thorpe's Career Day giveaways): "Gil Pickles! Genius. So much better than my Phillowcases. Claire wasn't a fan."
Claire: "One of him in bed is more than enough!"
Phil: "Ya hear that, ladies?"
Gil Thorpe: "Remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!"
Claire: "I thought I would be going back to work when the kids got older, but it's not as easy as you might think. People aren't exactly lining up to hire a woman who is almost 40 and has been out of the job market for 15 years."
Luke: "I thought you were 42."
Claire: "That's almost 40, Luke."
Phil (on Claire considering a job offer from Gil Thorpe): "You can't be serious! Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!"
Claire: "I hate to break it to you, Phil, but you're not Batman."
Cameron: "When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of a string to it and the other to the tail of Guernsey cow. Fired off a 12-gauge shotgun and the cow went runnin' out of the room."
Mitchell: "That never happened."
Cameron: "Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall."
Mitchell: "The Tooth Fairy gave our daughter $100! Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is five at the most?"
Cameron: "Well, obviously the Tooth Fairy made a mistake."
Mitchell: "That's because the Tooth Fairy had a little too much Chardonnay last night."
Cameron: "I think the Tooth Fairy can handle the Chardonnay. What I think she can't handle is criticizing someone who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night."
Lily (with her $100 bill): "I'm gonna put this is in my clutch. I can't wait to tell everyone at school!"
Cameron: "OK, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the Tooth Fairy."
Mitchell: "It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch."
Mitchell (reading an envelope addressed to Lily): "Let's see here. Oh, the Tooth Fairy! 1 Tooth Fairy Lane, Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Haley (on her Tooth Fairy costume): "Can I borrow this?"
Haley: "I'd rather not say."
STORY 3: Jay Pursues Writing
Jay has always wanted to try his hand at writing a spy novel. He has trouble drafting even the first page of his "Chuck Stone" thriller so Manny steps in to ghost-write the story.
Gloria: "Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing."
Jay: "Hey, I bought a typewriter."
Gloria: "A typewriter? When is your book signing, 1975?"
Jay: "Enough chit-chat. I've got to get a character out of a bind"
Manny: "Ooh. What did he do?"
Jay: "He told his wife he could write a book."
Expires in 5 days
Expires in 26 days