Claire has lunch with her old work friend, Valerie (guest star Minnie Driver), a successful career woman with lovers in multiple cities. At first, Claire thinks Valerie envies her family life with the kids and Phil the Thrill. (Yes, that’s what she used to call him.) But when Valerie gets a call regarding a big promotion, she doesn’t tell Claire right away, as she was trying to spare her feelings. Valerie isn’t envious of Claire. She pities her. Claire decides to invite her old pal back to the house to prove she’s living the good life. Think that’ll work?
As Phil tries to save a house sale from a buyer who’s getting cold feet, he decides to test a fake mustache for a new look. He reminds us a little of Magnum, P.I.—minus the Hawaiian shirt and the tanned skin and the cool red Ferrari and... Okay, he doesn’t remind us of Magnum at all. But he does get a vote of confidence from a truly-mustached city worker who tells him he can use a port-o-potty out front while they fix a water main.
Haley breaks up with Dylan after he went to the movies with another girl. Dylan claims the other woman just happened to be at the same flick. Haley doesn’t buy it because it was an Anne Hathaway movie. But Dylan says he likes Anne Hathaway movies, as she’s “every woman!” The boy has a point. Ella Enchanted totally rules.
In other Dunphy kid news, Alex and Luke are collecting bottles for a recycling drive. They hit the mother lode after their neighbor has a Jagermeister-friendly party. They fill the kitchen with mostly-empty bottles by the caseload, with one of the boxes housing a very scurrying rat.
When Dylan comes by to patch things up with Haley, he parks in front of the port-o-potty while Phil is inside it. Trapped and trying to close that home sale on his cell phone, Phil yells for his boy D-Money to come move his car. But Dylan is too busy dodging all of his personal effects as Haley hurls them out her bedroom window.
The assault from above continues as Claire and Valerie step up to the front door. Things will be better inside, right? Wrong. Luke is sitting in the kitchen in his underwear after spilling some Jagermeister on his clothes while Alex is busy trying to swat that runaway rat. Valerie is ready to head for the hills. But first she must pass Phil in the port-o-potty who, as he puts it, is “concluding a little business.” Love it!
Claire loses it. She yells at her family for thoroughly embarrassing her the one time she brings someone home who she wants to impress. Claire storms out and finds solace in a diner where she chows down like there’s no tomorrow. But Claire realizes that as good as Valerie has it, she’s pretty happy with her own career as a wife and mom.
Gloria got into a car accident and Mitchell is helping with the legal issues. Manny is the only witness. Too bad he thinks the accident was his mom’s fault. Jay knows it was Gloria’s fault, too. She’s a terrible driver, but doesn’t take kindly to anyone who confronts her about that fact. That’s probably why she tells Mitchell and Manny they can walk home from the cupcake shop where they were discussing her role in the case.
Eventually, Gloria returns to the cupcake shop and apologizes to Mitchell and Manny. She just hates when people assume that she’s a bad driver. She still wants Mitchell to be her lawyer. And she’s gonna need one after ramming into the side of the restaurant and destroying a rather large decorative cupcake display.
Jay and Cameron have a date for racquetball match. While gearing up for the big game, they engage in an unscheduled moon landing in the locker room. It has nothing to do with small steps or giant leaps. No, this particular lunar excursion is all about bare butts. It’s when two unclothed derrieres press up against each other. Jay can’t believe there a name for such an occurrence. Cam says he got off easy. When it happens after a shower, it’s called a splashdown. We have a call in to NASA to verify this information.
The moon landing has Jay a little off his game. Cam takes the first match, but Jay gathers himself together to win the rematch. He’s so happy that he doesn’t mind the accidental splashdown he has with Cam afterwards. In fact, he gives him another splashdown. And another. But the naked truth is that it isn’t Cameron’s behind that’s behind him. Houston, we have a problem! When Jay realizes his mistake, there’s only one thing to do—get his butt outta there. This incident was NOT a factor in the President’s recent decision to scrap future moon missions.
Tale of Three Cities