Mitchell is under the impression that the folks at his new law firm go all out for Halloween. So he dresses up in a super-tight, super-squeaky Spider-Man costume. At least, we think it's a costume. The fact of the matter is we've never seen the heroic web-slinger and Mitchell in the same place at the same time. Makes you think.
It turns out that only the dorkiest of attorneys dress up at Mitchell's firm. Fortunately, Mitch has some dry cleaning in the car. A business suit will cover up the outfit, but Mitchell can't hide his awkward movements nor the super-squeaky sounds emanating from underneath.
Mitchell ducks into a bathroom to ditch the spider duds. He accidentally dunks his suit pants in the toilet and a janitor swipes his dress shirt. The only way Mitchell can possibly get to his other suit in his car without being seen is to scale down the side of the building. Maybe he really is Spider-Man! Of course, he probably wishes he had his mask on when he accidentally trips a car alarm prompting everyone in his building to look outside.
Gloria wants Jay to be honest with her regarding her misuse of the English language. For example, carpal tunnel syndrome is not carpool tunnel syndrome. Gloria knows she has an accent but still believes people can understand her just fine. After all, Jay's secretary knew what she meant when she asked her to order some of those baby cheeses he loves so much. There must have been a mix-up at the warehouse though, as the box that's delivered is full of baby Jesus figurines.
The Dunphy family is hosting a Halloween House of Horrors. Claire and Phil are dressing up as Corpse Bride and Groom. While double-checking the coffin out front, Phil learns that his neighbor's wife left him. The guy was blindsided. This has Phil worried. He says, "Tell me it was booze... cheating... physical abuse. No problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue."
Gloria is mad at Jay for saying that people sometimes have trouble understanding her. She opts to go accent-free at the House of Horrors. Mitchell finally ditched the Spider-Man outfit. But now he must dress up as a scarecrow to pinch hit for Phil's depressed neighbor. As for Cameron, he's always had difficulty with Halloween. When he was 10, a kid named Timmy framed him as a candy thief. It's been a traumatic day for him ever since.
DING DONG! The first few trick-or-treaters arrive at the Dunphy House of Horrors. Nothing goes as planned. Jay misses all his thunder and lightning cues. Cameron cries about his horrific Halloween past. Gloria's new voice doesn't have enough cackling resonance to put a scare in the air. And Phil just keeps trying to show his wife affection so he won't end up like the neighbor.
Outside the house, Jay tells Gloria the story of a guy who was sitting in a diner. He listened to the woman seated behind him talk for an extended period of time. He could hear the life in her voice. And before he even sees what she looks like, he realizes he's fallen in love.
Gloria is moved by Jay's touching true story. She turns to see him but he's gone. Mitchell's there though in full scarecrow gear. You can't even recognize him. Guess that's why Gloria punches him smack-dab in his burlap sack-covered face. If only Spider-Man were here to thwart this vicious assault by one of his evil archenemies.
Claire has a hissy-fit because Halloween is her favorite holiday and nothing has gone right tonight. She storms outside where Phil fesses up about how he's been worried that what happened to the neighbors could happen to them. Corpse Bride Claire assures dead-wrong hubby that he's stuck with her for many more Halloweens.
Another batch of trick-or-treaters makes their way up the Dunphy sidewalk. This time every single scary situation in House of Horrors goes off without a hitch. It's a frightfully fun time making this a very happy Halloween.
Tale of Three Cities