STORY 1: Scary Claire
It's Claire's favorite holiday, but a neighborhood petition bans the Dunphys from putting on a scary Halloween display. After Phil claims Claire isn't scary, she tries her best to freak him out at his open house.
Luke: "Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?"
Alex: "Because they're cardboard, mouth-breather."
Phil: "Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things."
Claire (on scaring a man into having a heart attack last Halloween): "That man had a pre-existing condition."
Alex: "Yeah, as a healthy 35-year-old."
Phil: "She's kidding, Claire."
Alex: "No, I'm not. I'm never kidding."
Claire: "What do you mean I'm not even scary? I literally almost scared the life out of a man."
Phil: "You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes."
Phil (to Claire): "You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup."
Claire (trying to lure kids to her doorstep): "Who wants some candy? Plenty of name brand, family-friendly candy right here!"
Parent (rushing his child past the house): "It's a trap!"
STORY 2: Princess Lily and Slim Cam
In a sleepy haze telling Lily a story at bedtime, Mitchell says that her real mother was a princess. Throughout Mitch and Cam's costume party, Lily tries to find her princess mom, while Cam tries to show off the pounds he's recently shed.
Mitchell: "Hey, Cam. I'm hearing rumor that you keep flashing our guests."
Cameron: "Oh, well not in a perverted way. I just want people to my body under this stupid costume."
Mitchell: "That's very close to what actual flashers say."
Mitchell (on Cam's fitted Mr. Roarke costume): "Well, someone decided to take a trip to Fantasy Island after all."
Cameron: "I'm tired of people not noticing my new physique. If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as Baby New Year."
Lily (to a drag princess): "Do you know other princesses?"
Princess: "Trust me, I know a lot."
STORY 3: Aging Jay and Angry Gloria
When Jay can't smooth-talk his way out of a traffic ticket with a female officer, he begins to think he's losing his mojo with age. Meanwhile, Gloria is losing her temper with pregnancy.
Jay: "I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. I've seen all seven of them."
Police Officer: "Sir, no one's seen all seven."
Manny: "Lately you've been such a hothead."
Gloria: "I am not a hothead! I am Colombian! We get excited. My country is covered in coffee!"
Party Guest (wearing a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it): "I love when people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal Alien? Sugar Daddy."
Gloria: "Why do you say illegal?"
Party Guest: "Because antennas are alien and..."
Gloria: "What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?"
video The Sleepover
video The Plan
video Phil and Tom Reveal Their Bet
video Jay Differentiates Himself from Walter
video Cam Teaches Lily How to Flirt
video Sneak Peek: The Unexpected Christmas Guest
video Andy and Haley Get Caught Fooling Around
video Alex Meets Her Ghost of Christmas Future
video Gloria Puts an End to the Colombian Christmas
video Mitchell and Cam Practice Silent Night
video ABC Celebrates "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"
video Haley Breaks Things Off with Andy
video Everyone's Junk is Out
video Jay Opens His Junk Drawer of Feelings
video Haley and Andy's One Crazy Adventure
video Phil Finds Trespassers
video Jay Helps Gloria by Distracting Claire
video Phil Shows that He's a Bad Boy
video Gloria Gets Summoned to Jury Duty
video Jay Helps Drive Gloria and Mitchell