It's Claire's favorite holiday, but a neighborhood petition bans the Dunphys from putting on a scary Halloween display. After Phil claims Claire isn't scary, she tries her best to freak him out at his open house.
Luke: "Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?"
Alex: "Because they're cardboard, mouth-breather."
Phil: "Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things."
Alex: "Yeah, as a healthy 35-year-old."
Phil: "She's kidding, Claire."
Alex: "No, I'm not. I'm never kidding."
Claire: "What do you mean I'm not even scary? I literally almost scared the life out of a man."
Phil: "You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes."
Phil (to Claire): "You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup."
Claire (trying to lure kids to her doorstep): "Who wants some candy? Plenty of name brand, family-friendly candy right here!"
Parent (rushing his child past the house): "It's a trap!"
STORY 2: Princess Lily and Slim Cam
In a sleepy haze telling Lily a story at bedtime, Mitchell says that her real mother was a princess. Throughout Mitch and Cam's costume party, Lily tries to find her princess mom, while Cam tries to show off the pounds he's recently shed.
Mitchell: "Hey, Cam. I'm hearing rumor that you keep flashing our guests."
Cameron: "Oh, well not in a perverted way. I just want people to my body under this stupid costume."
Mitchell: "That's very close to what actual flashers say."
Mitchell (on Cam's fitted Mr. Roarke costume): "Well, someone decided to take a trip to Fantasy Island after all."
Cameron: "I'm tired of people not noticing my new physique. If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as Baby New Year."
Lily (to a drag princess): "Do you know other princesses?"
Princess: "Trust me, I know a lot."
STORY 3: Aging Jay and Angry Gloria
When Jay can't smooth-talk his way out of a traffic ticket with a female officer, he begins to think he's losing his mojo with age. Meanwhile, Gloria is losing her temper with pregnancy.
Jay: "I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. I've seen all seven of them."
Police Officer: "Sir, no one's seen all seven."
Manny: "Lately you've been such a hothead."
Gloria: "I am not a hothead! I am Colombian! We get excited. My country is covered in coffee!"
Party Guest (wearing a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it): "I love when people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal Alien? Sugar Daddy."
Gloria: "Why do you say illegal?"
Party Guest: "Because antennas are alien and..."
Gloria: "What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?"