Since Claire and Phil are babysitting baby Joe on Valentine's Day, they celebrate a day earlier by having another role-playing rendezvous as "Juliana" and "Clive Bixby." The tryst is cut short when Claire passes out after her heart suffers a minor arrhythmia known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Claire doesn't want it to be a big deal, but Phil wants her to be OK with him taking care of her once in a while.
Clive Bixby (after tying a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue): "I can make any kind of knot. It's like I have a sailor in my mouth."
Phil (on Claire passing out): "Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault. I think I was being too sexy."
Dr. Coben: "Yeah, I don't think that's an issue."
Phil (removing his jacket): "You sure about that?"
Dr. Coben: "I am prepared to rule that out."
Phil (on Claire's heart episode): "This is a huge deal! For which I'm partly responsible in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says."
Phil (suggesting Valentine's activities): "Side-by-side couples massage. Just you, me and couple Cambodian guys to work us over good."
STORY 2: February 14 - Jay and Gloria Get Romantic
Valentine's Day is the first time in six weeks that Jay and Gloria can get, as Phil puts it, "intimate," but a series of distractions keep getting in the way of things.
Manny: "Happy Valentine's Day! It's the one time of the year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck, world."
Lily (interrupting Jay and Gloria): "Are you kissing?"
Jay: "Bit of a mood killer..."
Lily: "My daddies kiss all the time."
Jay: "...and flatlined."
Jay (on babyproofing): "The human race has survived for a thousand years without these foam bumpers and gates everywhere. Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the car. When did everybody get so overprotective?"
Gloria: "Maybe when kids started flying off cars."
Manny: "My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it. I'm like, 'Which one?'"
STORY 3: February 15 - The Hangover
Mitch and Cam throw a Lonely Hearts Party for their single friends on Valentine's Day. Cam urges Mitch to try to have some fun, which results in the couple waking up to a post-party aftermath that neither of them can remember. Their new housemate Dylan, however, has a clear memory of them inviting him to move in.
Mitchell: "Oh, please, like you've never had a few cocktails and dyed a cat pink with cherry Kool-Aid."
Dylan (singing his gratitude to Mitch and Cam):
"So many years living life underwater
Came up for air in the room of your daughter
Never knew I would find my answer
In my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house
With the tiny pink panther."
Mitchell (trying to tell Dylan he can't stay): "This is really hard for me to say, but... we just cannot not... wash our cat."
Dylan: "'We just cannot not wash our cat'? Wow, that is hard to say."
- 5|4c College Football