Mitch and Cam's old gal pal from their party days, Sal (guest star Elizabeth Banks), is getting married, but they're not so sure she's ready to settle down.
Cameron (reassuring Sal it's OK for her to get married): "What kind of people would we be if we denied you or anyone the right to marry?"
Mitchell: "Hashtag politics."
Sal (after making out with a random bartender): "What the hell got into me?"
Cameron: "Besides the bartender's tongue?"
Cameron: "You know what, Mitchell, forgive me if my Missouri is showing, but what she is doing is not marriage. It's a mockery of marriage. It's mockerriage."
STORY 2: Phil Gets Luke a Date, Claire and Haley Go on a Date
When Phil helps Luke land a date with classmate Simone by online chatting as him, he inadvertently sends mixed signals to the girl's mom who was chatting on behalf of her daughter. Meanwhile, Claire tries to bond with Haley by taking her out for dinner, where they both are surprised to see that Alex plays cello on stage in a rock band and not in a classical ensemble.
Alex: "Hey, can one of you guys drive me to my cello thing tonight?"
Claire: "Honey, I wish we'd known."
Phil: "Yeah, we got a dinner thing with the Flendersons."
Alex: "OK, you don't have to stay and those aren't even real people."
Phil (barging into Luke's room while he's on his computer): "I knew it! What are you hiding?"
Phil: "Don't lie to me!"
Luke: "Fine. I'm trying to send a message to a girl on Facebook, but she's so out of my league."
Luke (asking his dad to stop chatting with Simone): "Oh my god. Stop now. We can only screw it up from here."
Phil: "Please, you're at the hands of the master. I think I know how to pick up a 14-year-old girl... for you."
Luke: "Kids don't eat dinner."
Phil: "What do you mean you don't eat dinner? What do you do?"
Luke: "I don't know. You just walk around and jump off stuff."
Haley (not wanting to see Alex perform): "I agreed to dinner, not tickets to the Electric Light Dorkestra."
Claire: "Don't be so mean to your sister."
Alex: "No, that's our band's name."
Claire (to Haley after who returned after having dinner with a friend): "You're here out of guilt?"
Haley: "I know. I'm growing up."
STORY 3: Manny's Obsession
Manny's art teacher is concerned that all of his work involves the female nude. Jay suspects it's because Gloria isn't shy when it comes to breast feeding Joe. It turns out the subject of Manny's work -- and the object of his desire -- is their new nanny, Daliya.
Jay (on Gloria breast feeding in front of people): "What's the matter with you? You don't do that in front of strangers. At least throw a blanket over them."
Gloria: "I am not ashamed."
Jay: "Obviously. They're out in front of Manny, at the club, at Claire's dinner last week. Phil almost ate a candle!"
Manny (to Daliya as she reads his poem to her): "You still have 12 lines to go. Spoiler alert: I love you."
Gloria (crashing Manny's candlelit dinner with Daliya): "It looks like a Madonna video in here!"