Claire and Cam work on flipping the house they bought in Episode 410, "Diamond in the Rough." They're constantly at odds with one another during the renovation, so Cam brings in handy lesbian friend Pam (Wendi McLendon-Covey reprising her role from Episode 402, "Schooled") for help, but she ends up agreeing with Claire that Cam's idea of building a water feature to add some wow factor is a bit too much.
Cameron: "The key is I let Claire think she's in charge. I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive, then when she rejects that, we 'compromise' on what I wanted all along. I call my method 'The Trojan Horse.' You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets."
Claire: "Whenever I need to reign in Cam's spending, I employ something that I like to call 'The Number Dump.' Yesterday, I accidentally said 'eleventy-five.'"
Pam (to Claire, whom she's very attracted to): "Let me grab your cans... Your paint cans."
Phil realizes his daughter's aren't very handy around the house and he doesn't want them to be dependent, so it's up to him to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like. But even Phil is dependent, and he resorts to calling up his dad, Frank (guest star Fred Willard).
Haley: "Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf and the closet light's burnt out."
Phil: "So just change it."
Haley: "I can't reach it."
Phil: "Oh, if only there was some magical way of getting up closer to the ceiling."
Haley: "OK, now you just sound like Dylan."
Phil: "That's when it hit me. My daughter's know nothing about home care and maintenance. I don't want them to be dependent. It's up to me to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like."
Frank (to Phil who has just Skyped him): "Are we gonna do that thing again where you try on different outfits like in Pretty Woman?"
STORY 3: Out of the House - Jay Goes out with Baby Joe
Jay escapes attending a reading of Moby Dick with Manny by agreeing to spend the day with the baby (i.e. taking Joe to see a James Bond movie). Baby Joe decides to live and let cry in the theater, so Jay lets one of Claire's old classmates Rachel, who happens to be in the theater, take care of the baby so Jay can enjoy some 007.
Gloria: "Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside?"
Manny: "I felt like eating al fresco."
Jay: "Does that mean had his pants off? Because if I can't, he can't!"
Rachel (to Jay when Joe starts crying during the James Bond movie): "I'm happy to take him outside until he stops crying. It's fine. Once Daniel Craig put his shirt back on, I lost interest."
STORY 4: Not in My House - Luke Teaches Mitch to Play Handball
Lily's classmate Milo is bullying everyone who tries to play handball at the school playground. He even bullies Mitchell, who then tries to serve Milo his comeuppance by training for a rematch with coach Luke.
Memorable Quotes:Mitchell: "I hate bullies. I've hated them my whole life. I hated them when they were named Scott Dworkin or Greg Pachenko or Katie Greenwald."
Mitchell: "Word has it that you're a pretty good handball player back in the day."
Luke: "Yeah, and Neil Armstrong was a pretty good trumpet player."
Mitchell: "I see you spent a lot more time on the court than you did in the classroom, so clearly I've come to the right place."
Mitchell: "There's this kid and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all of her friends. And I tried to teach him. I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, and I lost. I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes."
Luke: "Like there's any emotion in those eyes."
Tale of Three Cities