Mitch's ex-boyfriend invites the family to a fundraiser at the local roller rink, where Haley teaches Alex how to flirt, Manny tries to find a family member worthy of being the subject of his school essay on heroes and Claire tries to avoid Jay because he's offered her a job but she'd rather not work for him.
Jay (on baby Joe's flower-patterned blanket): "What'd I say about these flowered blankets for him? He's starting to take over Hugh Hef-nerd over there." (Looks over at Manny wearing silk pajamas and a paisley smoking jacket.)
Haley: "Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet mom is having them send these."
Alex: "Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?"
Haley: "At least this one doesn't have that fakie lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl and an Indian... oh, wait, there it is! Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up."
Haley: "I'm at a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win."
Max (boy who's flirting with Alex): "Yeah, that cool fight scene on that skyscraper in Shanghai? It really made me want to move to Japan."
Alex: "Why? Shanghai's in China. I'm just saying, you don't want to fly to Japan, get in a cab and say, 'Take me to downtown Shanghai.' It's a pretty expensive ride."
Haley (leaving with Alex): "Um, I gonna go to the bathroom. Come with me. Uh, what do you think you're doing out there?"
Alex: "I'm flirting."
Haley: "That's what I was afraid of."
Gloria hopes to spend the day at the roller rink as a spectator, but when Phil discovers it's because she's afraid to skate, he takes it upon himself to teach her.
Phil: "I'm a natural teacher."
Gloria: "But I'm going to look stupid."
Phil: "Gloria, trust me, as long as you're standing next to me you will not look stupid."
Phil (teaching Gloria to roller skate): "Knees bent, arms loose, chin up, butt out."
Gloria: "I know Phil, this is too much!"
Phil: "Just remember Kbalcubo: K.B..A.L.C.U.B.O. Koalas Always Lose Cherries Under Big Overpasses."
STORY 3: Cam Gets Jealous
Even though Mitch has broken up with former boyfriend Teddy, the entire family still seems to be in love with his seemingly perfect ex. Cam has worked so hard to earn the family's approval, and jealousy leads Cam to tell Mitch that his family must "break up" with Teddy.
Cameron: "Teddy was Mitch's one significant boyfriend before me. Mitch had recently just come out, and as he put it, it was hard to love someone else, if he couldn't love himself."
Mitchell: "I actually said those words? Ew. It's kinda hard to love myself right now."
Cameron: "Congratulations, Mitchell. This is as sad as I've ever been in roller skates."