When Phil gets a new RV (thanks to selling a house to California's top RV salesman), he decides to take the family on a fun road trip up the coast. Claire dreads that the kids being cooped up in the RV (nicknamed "Jolene" by Phil) would lead to interminable fighting, but soon she begins to thinks that maybe she's one who brings out the worst in them.
Claire: "Ten days on the road with those kids? Winnebag-no."
Claire: "I didn't want to get halfway into a trip to Yellowstone before Phil discovered what malevolent hellspawn we have for children... whom I love very much."
Claire (trying to goad her daughters into fighting): "Alex, honey, that's a cute sweater. Doesn't Haley have one like that?"
Alex: "Oh, it actually is hers. I took it from her closet before we left."
Claire: "Ooh, sorry, girls, didn't mean to start a whole thing..."
Haley: "I am so sick of you... always looking better in my clothes. When did that happen?"
Claire: "You're OK with this?"
Haley: "Oh, yeah, she can wear whatever she wants after I've had it for six months."
Alex: "Or I get it automatically if you buy anything that looks like it."
Phil: "I was thinking we could all drive up to Yellowstone this summer, but I say, let's take this beyotch ocean to ocean!"
Haley: "Yeah, who have you been talking to so much on the phone? Aaron?"
Claire: "Who's Aaron?"
Alex: "Actually, it's two boys, Aaron and Alex."
Claire: "Oh, two boys."
Haley: "A boy named Alex likes you?"
Alex: "Yeah, I know it's weird. But my friend Andi with an 'i,' she's a girl, also liked Alex."
Haley: "The boy?"
Alex: "Yes, the boy. I don't refer to myself in the third person."
Luke: "I thought Aaron was the third person."
Pat (a fellow RV dad commiserating with Phil): "I've been through every state: Depressed... Catatonic... Arkansas."
Lily has taken up gymnastics, and supportive Mitch and Cam find themselves becoming a bit too competitive when they begin rooting against the other girls. One mother even accuses Cam of sabotage.
Cameron: "We have a gymnast in our family."
Mitchell: "Lily goes to gymnastics class."
Cameron: "In one short year, I've seen her blossom from a little girl who couldn't do a somersault..."
Mitchell: "...into one who kind of can. And by that standard, we also have a black belt, art prodigy and prima ballerina in our family."
Cameron: "I'm beginning to think maybe I did sabotage Abby's hair. I didn't spray. I didn't Beyonce. I basically built a ticking time bun."
STORY 3: Where's Manny's Backpack
Manny can't find his backpack, so Jay and Gloria help him search for it in Mitch and Cam's house and the Dunphy home while the families are away. Manny is uncomfortable with the snooping, while Jay and Gloria are more uncomfortable with their son being too good all the time. At Mitch and Cam's, Jay and Gloria discover a game night happened there without them, and they start to wonder why they weren't invited to play Pictionary. Is it because Jay can't draw? Gloria cheats at the games? Or is it because Manny forgot to give them the invite?
Manny (wanting to get into the Dunphy house): "But my backpack is in there, Jay. My poem for my poetry reading..."
Jay: "Calm down. Didn't you back it up in your computer?"
Manny: "What kind of man writes poetry on a computer?"
Jay: "You could've ended that sentence after 'poetry.'"
Manny (on his poetry reading): "I don't want my mom there. I'm exploring some darker themes I'm not sure she's ready for. Poems like 'The Umbilical Noose,' 'A Jail Called Mom,' 'Smother Nature.' She'll just find some way to make it all about her."
Jay (frustrated with Pictionary): "We weren't invited because you stink at this game!"
Gloria: "At least I can draw."
Tony the Delivery Guy: "Excuse me. Just need a signature."
Jay (signing the invoice): "Yeah, sure... OK. Here we go... There, thank you."
Tony the Delivery Guy: "That's not a signature. You drew a cat."
Jay: "Thank you."
Gloria (trying to guess the delivery guy's drawing of a bird and a hand): "Kill the chicken! Chicken fingers! Pigeon man!"
Jay: "Pigeon man... You see, Tony, it's not me. Would you invite her to game night?"
Tony the Delivery Guy: "I'm gonna go now. They're kind of sticklers for the next day delivery thing."
Gloria: "Bird in the hand!"
Tony the Delivery Guy: "There you go! Any slower, she'd be the U.S. Mail, am I right? That's gonna kill at the warehouse."