STORY 1: Cam and Lily Attend a Holiday Charity Event for the Needy
When Mitchell misreads Lily's Christmas list, thinking she wants a "Guppy Pond" instead of a "Puppy Pound," he goes on a last-minute shopping mission to get her the big, in-demand gift. Meanwhile, Cam takes Lily to a charity event for the needy, where they're mistaken for an actual family in need of charity.
Cameron: "I've printed out the directions to Pepper's party."
Mitchell: "Oh, we're calling it 'The 12 Gays of Christmas' now."
Cameron: "Just be thankful we talked him out of 'Feliz Navi-Dude.'"
STORY 2: Phil Walks to Canada on His Elliptical Machine
A full Christmas ago, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the distance from the Dunphy house to Canada in one year's time. If he fails, he won't be able to keep the machine in the bedroom, so Phil spends Christmas eve trying to finish the final leg of his trip.
Claire: "Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year."
Phil: "This body just doesn't happen, ladies."
Claire: "If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom."
Phil: "Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies."
Claire: "Who are these ladies?"
Phil: "...I'm so close to the Canadian border I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medication."
Luke: "You gotta finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage. It's too drafty!"
Phil: "That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy -- to avoid the draft!"
STORY 3: Jay and Manny Look for a Christmas Tree
While Gloria's mother (guest star Elizabeth Peña) is in town for the holidays, Jay tries to teach Manny how to have a traditional Christmas by taking him out to chop down a tree.
Gloria: "My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: Houseguests start to stink after three days like dead bodies."
Jay: "Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees, eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi."
Manny: "Now you're just making up words."
Jay (breaking his ax): "Trees are like women. The best ones make you work a little bit harder."
Manny: "She's just not that into you."