STORY 1: The Vegas Vacation, a Butler and a Dog Maid
Jay takes all the parents on a Sin City weekend after scoring some elite high-roller suites at the Mandalay Bay's exclusive Excelsior Level, which includes personal, British butler Leslie Higgins (it's a boy's name where he's from) played by guest star Stephen Merchant (The Ricky Gervais Show). The butler is fine, but it's the maid that Gloria has a problem with -- the hotel gift shop sells a giant dog statue dressed as a maid named Rebarka, which would make the perfect companion for Jay's precious dog butler Barkley.
Security Guard: "Sorry, sir, this is a private elevator."
Jay (flashing his platinum hotel keycard): "No need to apologize. I'm glad you're on top of this stuff."
Security Guard: "That's only for the Excelsior Level. This elevator goes to the top floor."
Jay: "I thought Excelsior was the top floor: 62."
Security Guard: "Mandalay Bay has 63 floors. Top floor is Excelsior Plus."
Jay (as the guard lets some tourists in): "Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees."
Jay: "Gloria, there's a floor above us."
Jay: "I know, it threw me, too. Excelsior Plus. But to the people on that floor, we're Excelsior Minus."
STORY 2: Phil Dunphy and the Secret Society of Magicians
Though Phil and Claire should be spending time in Vegas together, Phil slips away to visit a Vegas Secret Magic Society that invited him to perform for them. Phil plans on doing his "Metamorphosis" trick to wow the society, which includes the heroes of the underground magic blogosphere: The Kid, Kaiser Mayhem and Ducky Schindler (guest star Patton Oswalt). Meanwhile, Claire has her own clandestine plans to hit the casino and win back the money she lost on a girls' night in Vegas when she gambled away the savings she and Phil were stashing away for a 25th anniversary trip.
Phil (saying the password to enter the Secret Society of Magicians): "Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga."
Ducky: "I thought he was allergic to dogs."
Phil: "You're thinking of Merlin, and it was peanuts."
Phil (introducing his magic trick): "The miracle of 'Metamorphosis.' They say the only constant is change. Well, all of that is about to ch... be different."
Phil: "I actually have to call my wife."
Ducky: "Uh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the middle of a trick. That's a cardinal rule."
Phil: "Guys, it's an emergency. Don't tell me you've never had to call your spouse." [The magicians look down sadly.] "Oh... there's people for you."
Claire: "We should stay in one place so he can find us. How about a blackjack table?"
Mitchell: "Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna... It was a lot of detoxing, so..."
Claire: "Uh-huh. You know what you need? Some toxing. Hand of blackjack, a couple of tequilas. C'mon, it'll be fun. Do it!"
Mitchell: "You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette."
Claire: "Maybe this time you won't tell on me."
Phil: "I'm in a tight spot with my lady. You know what might help? One of those luxury baths."
Higgins: "Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some."
Phil: "Wow, so good."
Higgins: "Thanking you. I thought the situation called for some humor. Might I suggest the Michael Bublé bath?"
STORY 3: Mitch, Cam and the Bachelor Party
Mitch runs into his ex, Langham (guest star Fred Armisen from Portlandia), whom he dumped via email. Langham and new his partner Tim are engaged, and they invite Mitch and Cam to their Vegas bachelor party, which includes a chance to see the all-male Scottish revue, The Kilty Pleasures. Mitch would rather relax at the spa, while Cam decides to sneak away to check out the festivities.
Cameron (drinking in the steam room): "I love cucumber water."
Mitchell: "I know..."
Cameron: "If I were president..."
Mitchell: "I know. Cucumbers in the reservoirs."
Higgins (watching The Kilty Pleasures perform in the hotel room): "This reminds me of my late grandfather."
Phil: "He was Scottish?"
Higgins: "He was a stripper."