STORY 1: Phil Down Under
The entire family tags along as Phil fulfills his mom's wish for him to return to his roots and visit the country where he was conceived, Australia. Unfortunately, Phil's attempts to embrace his native land are met by a lot of rejection and bad luck, which include him getting stung by a jellyfish and getting punched by a kangaroo.
Phil: "Quick question."
Tour Guide: "Oh, good. Another one."
Phil: "Isn't it true that baby kangaroos, or joeys, are born without hind legs?"
Tour Guide: "Yes! Once again, you've correctly answered your own question."
Claire: "Honey, I just heard. How did you get punched by a kangaroo?"
Phil: "Really hard. In the face."
Phil: "I love your country, but your country doesn't love me back. Australia's rejected me."
Wise Australian (showing his scars): "See this right here? That's from a croc bite. This one here on my back -- I was hit by a train in Melbourne. This right here -- That's an irregular mole. I should probably get that checked out. The point is, Australia is nice to tourists, but it's tough on its own people. Congratulations, mate, you're one of us."
Phil: "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Wise Australian: "I think I am."
Phil: "I'm Crocodile Dunphy!"
STORY 2: Mitch and Cam Live It up with Fergus Anderson
Mitch and Cam separate from the family on vacation to reconnect with old friend Fergus Anderson (guest star Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords), whom they can't stand. But soon Mitch and Cam's obligatory meeting turns them into hangers-on when they discover that Fergus is a big-time late-night talk show host Down Under who might be able to introduce them to Hugh Jackman at a yacht party.
Mitchell (at the docks): "Are we gonna see Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?"
Cameron: "Oh my god, it's so big."
Mitchell: "A bit direct, but, you know, he might be flattered. Oh, you're talking about the boat."
Fergus (explaining he got in a fight with Hugh Jackman): "They've already gone. Hugh was standing on his deck in this skimpy little bathing suit, disappointed look on his face."
Mitchell: "Wait, I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Skimpy?"
Cameron: "I'm sorry, standing on his what?"
Fergus: "On his deck."
Cameron: "Of the boat. Got it."
STORY 3: No Worries, Mate?
The rest of the family is too distracted on their Australian vacation: Claire and Jay are obsessed with work, Luke and Manny want to see boobs at topless Bondi Beach, Alex is pre-occupied with her college application essay, and Lily is on a search for the perfect souvenir.
Jay: "Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one. The best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face."
Manny: "Bondi Beach is topless."
Luke: "Thank you, TripAdvisor."
Manny: "So, uh, Luke and I are gonna take a break from the sun."
Luke: "Yeah, we're kinda tired... Tired of not seeing boobs."
Haley (on passing up a hot Aussie guy): "This country's number-one export is hot surfers. I'm not gonna buy the first one I see. I'm still browsing."
Lily (seeing a souvenir vendor): "Ooh, kangaroos! I'm gonna buy one."
Haley: "Lily, what'd I just say?"
Lily: "I don't know. Something about shoes probably?"
Jay: "Claire has an incredible work ethic. She's like a Young Me. Young Me was our accountant from Korea. Died at her desk."
Haley: "Shopping with Lily is the best birth control in the world."
Alex: "Yeah!" (beat) "You know it's not, right?"