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Ep216 How to Be a Baby

03/07/13 Season 2 TV-PG
Story 1: George tries to help his friend cope after Noah declares his undying love for Carmen.

Psychiatrist (about Noah's obsession with Carmen): "It's classic caregiver transference triggered perhaps by being married to an icy, strident, self-important, castrating wasp."
George: "So you've met Jill?"

Noah: "She was a sorceress. A playful sorceress. She invented this great game where she would disappear into thin air. And the moment that Opus and I began to get nervous, she would reappear. It was a miracle!"
George: "It was peekaboo!"

Noah: "My body may be married but my soul runs free through the night into the thicket where warm Carmen awaits in the damp, salty, night air."


Story 2: Dalia decides to help Mr. Wolfe get over his breakup with the cheating Chef Alan.

Dalia (to hairstylist Yves Clyde): "He needs a new look, one that says, 'You cheated on me, you're a cheater, drop dead you homosexual cheater.'"
Mr. Wolfe: But without losing a lot of length.
Yves Clyde: "How about some daring magenta tips?"
Mr. Wolfe: "Ooh I like that."
Dalia: "But do daring magenta tips say, 'I hope you stop breathing in your sleep?'"
Yves Clyde: "Hmm, no. But they do say, 'I'm fun, you're not, I hope you get SARS.'"
Dalia: "K."
 
Mr. Wolfe (after getting new magenta tips): "Where do I pay?"
Dalia: "You don't pay. Chef Alan pays."
Yves Clyde: "Actually, he does pay."
Dalia: "Fine. You pay, and then Chef Alan pays. This is only Phase One, Mr. Wolfe."
Mr. Wolfe: "Phase One?"
Dalia: "You look better, but you don't feel better. And in order to feel better, you need to make Chef Alan feel worse. You need to find his sad button and his mad button and push them both like, fifteen times in a row."

Story 3: Tessa gives up her job at Dallas's store A Crystal Cup of Crystals to intern for Jill Werner, a published author.

Tessa: "Interning for a published author--"
Jill: "Which I am."
Tessa: "--Would look really good on my college application."
Jill: "An intern. What a NOVEL idea. Pun intended, constructed, and delivered impeccably."

Jill: "Tessa, you're hired. You have the job. And I use that term loosely, because there is no pay."
Tessa: "Understood."
Jill: "I'm tough, but not fair."

Jill: "Babies are born into this world with their heads up their diapers. They have no idea how to be a baby. Hence, my latest book: How to Be a Baby: You're Out, Now What?"
Tessa: "Wow. How brave of you to target a demographic that doesn't read."
Jill: "You know what, they'll never learn if you coddle them, Tessa. Never!"

Jill: "I'd like you to help Opus write a review for my new book."
Tessa: "Wait, what?"
Jill: "It will take a little creativity on your part and a willingness to try on his."
Tessa: "I don't think I understand."
Jill: "He will speak, without words. And you will listen without ears."
Tessa: "I have ears."
Jill: "Then you heard how poetic that sounded."

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