I admit I should have known better than to bring up “giving” in Chatswin when I wasn’t talking about hickeys or Christmas gifts. But what’s happening here is out of control. All I proposed was that the student body not dump their untouched lunches into the trash and now… now, it’s a blur of animated videos and Sarah McLachlan ballads. Oh, and the coup-de-grace: Clarisonic Face Brushes for Floridians, courtesy of Dalia’s bogus trip to Orlando. Why didn’t I run when she raised her hand at the assembly? Why did I call on her? I’m a sucker for a raised hand.
There’s so much more we could be doing. Credit where credit’s due – at least Dalia didn’t suggest “Red Bull for the Decaffeinated” or “Nose Jobs for the Lower Class.” But let’s dig a little deeper, people. How about donating blankets to the homeless or volunteering at a free clinic? Something – anything – other than cleaning Florida’s pores. Besides, I’m sure the Red Cross already has that under control.
I thought introducing my homeless transsexual friend Gladys would clear things up. It didn’t and, again, I should have known better. I should have expected it to make George and me Chatswin’s charity case, precisely because we don’t need to be. It would be a stretch to say we’re well off, but we’re certainly not hurting. And we don’t need all the items Dallas has bought on Sky Mall. Correction: All the duplicate items she bought on Sky Mall. Although the rechargeable salt and pepper mills are quite lovely.
In the end, I figured out what to do. So, I guess – shudder – thank you, Chatswin. Thank you for teaching me it isn’t what you give, it’s that you give. Since I wasn’t the ideal candidate for a glow in the dark bocce ball set, I decided to give it to someone who is – Gladys. She loves it. And the money pawning it got her.