Story 1: Bert's Coffee Crash
Kate tells Pete that she feels unneeded by his kids, and wants to help out more. Pete offers her the chance to help out at Bert's soccer practice. That night Kate offers to put Bert to bed by herself, but he doesn't sleep well after watching a scary TV show.
The next morning Kate inadvertantly lets him drink her whole coffee to hide that fact that he stayed up late. At soccer practice he runs wild around the field until crashing. While trying to pep him up, Kate accidentally hits him with a soccer ball and Bert, Kate, Pete, and Jackie all end up at the hospital.
Jackie: "You know, half these kids can't eat peanuts and the other half only eat peanuts, so…one wrong bite and half the team dies."
Kate: "Oh, it's just orange slices and water."
Jackie: "Well there's one kid who can't have oranges. His parents have some issues with Florida. And that kid with the shorty-shorts can't have ANY water, 'cause he's over-hydrated.
Pete: "Hey bud, you want to try some standing up?"
Bert: "I need coffee."
Kate: "Ha! Next thing you know, he'll be asking for The Wall Street Journal and a cheese danish!"
Kate: "You guys, I feel terrible. I am so sorry."
Jackie: "Yeah, sorry isn't going to reduce the swelling in my son's testicle."
Jackie (to Pete): "You know, I have said it once and I'll say it again: Aside from me, I do not understand your taste in women."
Story 2: The Salsa Deception
Warren and Hillary try to hide the fact that they accidentally spilled salsa on Diane's white sofa. She's very strict, and they're terrified that she will find out. They flip the sofa cushion and pledge to keep a united front, but Diane immediately knows something is amiss. She prefers psychological torture, and proceeds to bake them quesadillas with salsa, teach them to salsa dance, and then flip the cushion stain-up and gather them to watch "La Bamba" before they break down and confess.
Pete (answers the phone): "What's up, Studly?"
Warren: "Dad, uh, me and Hillary spilled salsa on Mom's white couch."
Hillary: "Dad, be serious, ok? What are we supposed to do?"
Pete: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're calling your father for advice. Here's my advice: run away."
Hillary: "She knows! She never talks this much about salsa!"
Warren: "Maybe she talks about salsa all the time, but we're just noticing it now!"
Diane: "Normal parents don't get results. Are you ever going to eat on the sofa again?"
Diane: "Are you ever going to hide anything from me again?"
Diane: "Do you love me the most?"
Warren: "Sorry! I got caught up in all the 'noes.' Yes, of course I love you the most!"