Pete: "I have to chaperone Warren's field trip."
Kate: "Whoa, whoa. Fever! You're not going anywhere. You could wipe out an entire class of sophomores."
Pete: "Nobody cares about sophomores."
Kate: "I see your Diane and I raise you a Jackie."
Warren: "Look Kate, we're both adults here. And I think it's common knowledge that when people get some, they relax."
Kate: "Yeah, I know... I'm just surprised to hear you talk about your mom having sex."
Warren: "That's what 'get some' means?!"
Russ Bradley Morrison: "I am not a cheap museum booty call! I'm a man, Diane."
Diane: "Russ Bradley--"
Russ Bradley Morrison: "It's over."
STORY 2: Jackie takes it upon herself to care for Pete when he’s sick – but she finds herself more interested in having the run of the house.
Jackie (Sees Pete sick in bed): "Whoa, look who hit the wall real hard. Wow, I'm glad I sold high!"
Pete: "If I drink this, you'll leave?"
Pete (Chokes down Jackie's disgusting juice concoction): "Bye bye."
Jackie: "I have to stay and check your pupils in an hour, make sure I used the right kind of mushroom."
Pete: "Right kind of mushroom??"
STORY 3: Hillary tries to help Bert get on his teacher's good side.
Hillary: "Hey, everything okay Bertie?"
Bert: "Can you sign Dad's signature?"
Hillary: "That depends. Is it for a field trip or because you're in trouble?"
Hillary: "Then no."
Bert: "Then field trip."
Hillary (Reading note from Bert's teacher aloud): "'Bert has had to sit out of recess two days in a row for interrupting class with excessive silliness.' What were you doing?"
Bert: "Nothing. Just reading quietly. Sometimes a little dancing. A few Bertwheels."
Bert: "They're like cartwheels, but with screaming."