Season 1 Episode 11 The Big 5-0

01/08/14 Season 1 TV-PG D, L

STORY 1: Kate tries to break Pete's lifelong streak of horrible birthdays, but it seems the curse is very hard to break.

Pete: "Thank you! Thank you! And now, my birthday is over."
: "Except your birthday is tomorrow. And this tradition is weird."
: "Early on in our relationship, I told you about all the skeletons in my closet. I have been married twice, I have three children--"
Warren: "Adorable children."
Pete: "My grandfather was a horse thief, and I hate my birthday."

Kate: "Well, look on the bright side, you get to have a new license picture without that soul patch on it."
Pete: "Had it for two weeks, haunted me for ten years."

DMV Driving Test Proctor: "You failed."
Pete: "Can I pay you?"
Proctor: "That's bribery."
Pete: "You don't have a number?"
Proctor: "I like your wife."
Pete: "That's not going to happen."
Proctor: "Not on the table?"
Pete: "No, she will not be on your table."

STORY 2: Diane and Jackie spend the day together looking for a birthday gift for Pete.

Jackie (to a patient in Diane's waiting room): "Hey! We're both A+! We could give each other blood. I mean, not now...if something horrible happened to you."
Diane (to the patients in the waiting room): "Everyone, eyes up here. Disregard everything that this woman has said to or prescribed for you. Jackie, come with me."
Jackie: "Ok, twist my arm. And then set it back! Ha ha. Just a little bit of orthopedic surgeon humor!"

Juniper (Clerk at New Age store Open Lotus): Yes, how can I help you, Carly?"
Carly: "I've been so patchy lately. Do you have anything to minimize excess lizard spirit?"
Diane: "Uh. Ok, excuse me, Juniper? You're an idiot. And Carly, you're a fool. You don't have excess lizard spirit. You have eczema. Put some cortisone cream on it. Do you know where to find it? Anywhere, except this house of nonsense. (To Juniper) Now give me my money back, Moon Unit." 

Jackie: "I know, Diane. You're a doctor and Juniper is just a shaman/healer. But she's my friend!"
Diane: "Well, but she was--"
Jackie: "But, she's my friend."
Diane: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend your friend. But what's done is done."
Jackie: "No, Diane. In the New Age community, what's done is never done. It may not have even happened."

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