The Ryan Report: Ryan on reality TV

By Detective Kevin Ryan | Nov 15th, 2012

Being a detective can be pretty exciting, but sometimes after long hours and tough days, I love nothing more than going home and unwinding. A lot of people I know relax by reading novels, watching sports games, or partaking in this new trend called Soul Cycle (I’m still not sure what that is). Me, I love nothing more than going home, plopping down next to Jenny, and nervously waiting to see who gets the final rose. Yes, I admit it. I like reality shows… okay I love them. I have even toyed with the idea of being on a reality show myself. Back when Survivor had just premiered, I sent in a video showing off my “survival” skills in Central Park. I climbed trees, wrestled (stuffed) animals, fished goldfish, and made fires from leaves and twigs. I sadly never got a call from the Survivor producers, but I did get a very angry one from the guys at Ladder 57 near the park. Needless to say, I’ll never set any more fires near the Conservatory Garden again. Lesson learned.

Though I never made it on Survivor, audiences may still have a chance to see the real Kevin Ryan in action. Recently, a documentary crew was hired to film Holy Shemp. They’re an up and coming band, who also turned out to be the number one suspects in a recent case… after their band member turned up dead. Thus, our precinct 12 was also front and center of the doc as well. I had a feeling right after the cameras walked in our front door; things were going to be a little different. My first clue was when I caught Javi rehearsing lines, yes lines. He was prepping the interrogation room for a suspect when I walked in undetected. I caught him yelling at the two-way mirror, “I want the truth!” and “You talking to me?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing… and what’s worse, he wasn’t even original!

Javi wasn’t the only one acting a bit “off.” Castle is notorious for checking himself out in the mirror. If we arrive at a crime scene and we happen to be searching a bedroom, bathroom, or wherever you may find a mirror—Castle ALWAYS takes a glance. After the documentary crew arrived, I noticed that Castle was using any type of reflective surface to look at himself. The toaster in the break room, the window on the cruiser; he even picked up my knife from lunch and was checking himself out before using it on his teeth and giving it back.

I've witnessed firsthand the transformation of not only Javi and Castle, but of ALL of my coworkers. When the little red light turned on, and that fuzzy sound recorder was put above their heads, everyone changed. I can’t help but wonder that maybe reality shows aren’t as real as I originally thought they were. Maybe people don’t really fall in love in front of millions of viewers, maybe eight strangers can actually live in a house happily together, and maybe those kids at the shore really are upstanding citizens. All in all, I was very happy when those cameras finally pushed the stop button, called a wrap, and the 12th Precinct finally went back to normal. Though, I think there is a part of me that is going to miss seeing Javi’s impressions of DeNiro and Nicholson. It’s a good thing I was able to record him on the OTHER side of the two-way mirror on my cell phone…this will make excellent blackmail material.