S2 E01 Voting

11/02/12 | PG | CC

Mike’s upset because Kristin and Ryan are trying to get Mandy to vote for Obama. Mike prefers Romney, so the epic household battle is on. But soon it becomes clear that Mike’s really just sad that his little girls are growing up. And pressure may not be the right way to go about it.

Memorable Quotes:

Mandy: So lame. All anyone’s talking about is this election. It’s ruining Twitter.

Mandy: What’s a Dukakis?
Vanessa: A small Greek man from Massachusetts who climbed into a tank one day and disappeared forever.

Vanessa: We haven’t even gotten to the Federal Reserve yet.
Mike: Oh, don’t get me started on this. Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton ten years too late in my book.

Mike (to Ryan): You work at an ice factory. You know who could do your job better? January.

Kristin: Flip-flopping. That sounds like your candidate, Dad.
Mike: And like your candidate, [Vanessa] thinks it’s good to feed freeloaders.
Ryan: That sounded like a dinner invitation to me.

Mike: Grown men playing fairy-tale football. I’ve got a fantast team of employees, and none of you are on it.

Ed: You found out my quarterback is injured and you called just to gloat? I plan on winning this thing and I will not lose again to a cold, black-hearted shark like you. (hangs up the phone) Your daughter Eve says hello.

Ed: Once again the football gods have been unkind to you.
Kyle: I know. I’ve had a rough year. My strategy of not drafting anyone with a criminal record seems to have backfired.

Ed wants to win his fantasy football league this year because Eve’s won the past three years. He tries to bully Kyle into trading him his star quarterback by making him do awful chores around the store -- wearing a bear costume.

Memorable Quotes:

Mike: Did you just mention an Oakland Raider in a Denver Bronco household?
Eve: He’s not just a Raider anymore, Dad. He’s the new starting tailback for my fantasy team, The Three Faces of Eve. And all three faces are saying, “Suck it, Ed!”

Mandy: Study for the election? Mom, how hard could it be? Nana votes and she tried to buy her groceries with buttons.

Mandy: Hahaha, sweet, they wanna legalize weed? But they still can’t get me to try it.

Mike: Let me put this in perspective with the inheritance tax. One day, I’m gonna die, and I’ll split all this up and give it to you guys--
Mandy (to Kristin): I call the money and the house! Oh, and I’ll miss you Dad.

Mike: He lost his job at the ice factory? What, did someone leak the secret recipe?

Vanessa: Are you honestly saying things were better when there was slavery and women couldn’t vote?
Mike: No, slavery was horrible.
Vanessa: And?
Mike: Good night, honey.

Mike: They don’t carve a dude’s head into the side of a mountain unless he’s totally awesome, Kyle.

Kyle: Your vlog makes me wonder if George Washington would have traded Aaron Rodgers just because his boss made him crawl along the warehouse rafters trying to catch pigeons in a bear suit.
Mike: You ask the big political questions, Kyle.

Mike: So how was your first time?
Mandy (nervously): What? Oh, you meant voting.
Mike: What did you think I meant?
Mandy: Voting.

Mandy: Did you know that under Clinton there was a huge budget surplus? And, oh, by the way, Clinton’s mom is Obama’s Secretary of State.

Continue Reading