Boyd’s school outlawed dodgeball...because Boyd's father, Ryan, wrote a letter to the school complaining about it. Mike is obviously not happy about this. So when Kristin leaves Boyd and a bunch of his classmates in Eve’s babysitting hands, Mike gathers them in his backyard for an underground dodgeball club.
Ed’s in the Search and Rescue Rangers, a wilderness rescue crew, and Kyle volunteers to prove his toughness. He’s soon outpacing the rest of the guys, and Ed is sore as heck trying to keep up with him -- though he’d never tell Kyle.
Vanessa: Your homeland defense plan is a line of kids with red rubber balls?
Mike: The transition from throwing balls to fragmentation grenades is seamless.
(Mike gives Boyd a big hug)
Ryan: What, no hug for his dad?
Mike: No. The last time you hugged someone around here we got Boyd.
Kristin: Boyd’s teacher plays a really sweet version of musical chairs where there are enough chairs for all the kids to sit in when the music stops.
Mike: That’s not musical chairs, that’s just walking around in circles and sitting.
Kristin: Dad, will you just try to get along with Ryan? I want him around for Boyd, even if he is a little overprotective.
Mike: Ooh, now we talk about protection.
Ryan arrives at the Baxter house in the middle of a dodgeball game. He’s not happy, and because Kristin wants Ryan around, she's really angry with Mike as well. Mike agrees to back off and let them do the parenting…and Kristin agrees to let Mike play a little dodgeball with his grandson.
Ed feels like he can’t keep up with Kyle, and he’s about the break. But it turns out that Kyle is exhausted too, and just won’t tell Ed. Mike ends up shooting Kyle with a tranquilizer dart. The “why” is immaterial.
Kyle (to Ed): No offense, but aren’t you a little old to be jumping outta helicopters?
Mike: Look at him. How many years is he really risking?
Mike: Celery. Completely useless, except when used as a peanut butter delivery system.
Mike: Boyd, you’ll be team captain. Gotta pick a partner.
Boyd: Picking teams hurts people’s feelings.
Mike: You bet it does. It just makes them try harder, then they work harder. Next thing you know, America’s built an economic engine never before seen in history.
Eve: Second rule: No head shots. Hit someone above the shoulders and you’re out. But I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s totally worth it.
Eve: The age-old story. Boy meets girl, boy makes out with girl, girl tells sister, and sister wants her two minutes back.
Vanessa: You have to respect Kristin and Ryan’s parenting decisions, that’s all.
Mike: I will when they make a good one.
Ryan: I can’t believe I had to walk in here and see my kid catch the ball with his face.
Mike: Look on the bright side -- he’s definitely your kid.
Mike: Ah, a friendly face.
Vanessa: You’re a dumbass.