Mike brings home some ducks after a hunting trip. And soon, the Baxter household explodes.
Kristin doesn’t want Boyd to know his food once had a face. Mike wants to teach Boyd the harsh realities of where food comes from. Ryan, a vegan, actually sides with Mike, because he thinks it’ll get Boyd to stop eating meat. Everyone braces for the aftermath, but Boyd takes the info in stride. Whew.
Well, not so fast. Mike explains the food chain, and includes one little detail -- we’re gonna die. After the death talk, Boyd’s constantly afraid of dying. Until Mike tells him about heaven…then he’s excited to die. Soon everyone’s at everyone else’s throats until Kristin finally lays down the law: She believes in whatever lets Boyd sleep at night, Mike’s not allowed to give Boyd big talks without her approval, and Ryan can’t talk to Mike about anything of any importance. Done!
Mike: The plump and the slow are first to go.
Vanessa: You are so sweet after a kill.
Ryan: Studies have linked high-fructose corn syrup to cancer. Lollipops are the cigarettes of today.
Mike: Maybe Boyd should learn the harsh realities of where food comes from. Why fill his head with these fairytales?
Ryan: Because he’s 5?
Mike: This duck was not innocent. He was flying away from something pretty fast.
Mike (in his duck voice): I’d like to talk a little more but I’ve gotta slip out of these feathers and into an orange glaze.
Ed: Somebody walked out of here with a kayak. Try hiding a 12-foot boat down your pants.
Mike: I do it every day, Ed.
Vanessa: Can we just eat in peace, please?
Eve: With a vegan and a hunter in the house, the over/under on that one is no.
Mike: Come here Boyd. You see these sharp teeth right here? I’ve got two of them; you have them too. They’re called canine teeth. God gave us those teeth so we could rip the flesh off of other animals.
Meanwhile, Ed is tracking down shoplifters in the store, and pretty much all of the incidents happened when Kyle was working those sections. So now Ed wants to fire Kyle. It turns out Mandy is the one walking out with most of the stuff -- except whoever managed to shoplift a kayak.
Mandy goes back to the store and returns all the stuff she stole, and even helps him catch a shoplifter. After Kyle tells her she’s a good person for helping him out, she comes clean and apologizes. He says that’s exactly what a good person would do -- and they have a little moment.
Kyle: People have been ripping us off. I might get fired. Why do people steal?
Mandy: I don’t know. Maybe they just look cute in stuff they can’t afford and their dad recently cut their allowance because of poor grades, you know? It’s just one theory.
Mandy (re: shoplifting): With girls, you really have to pay attention. And if the hot one starts talking to you, the only possible explanation is that her friends are ripping you off.
Kyle: Wow. That’s a really smart and hurtful tip.
Mike: It’s called heaven. It’s a great place. Everything and everyone you love is there.
Boyd: Like you and mommy?
Mike: Oh yeah, we’ll be there.
Boyd: And daddy?
Mike: Well, if he lands on the right side of some policy issues, yeah, he’ll get there.
Mandy: Remember Rule #7 for spotting shoplifters? It’s like the opposite of normal life: You pay attention to the fat people.
Ed (to a shoplifter): You set foot in this store again, you’re going to wake up in the gorilla habitat at the Denver Zoo wearing banana-scented lingerie.
Kyle: You were right, Mandy. The world’s a cesspool. Just overflowing with cess. And people are paddling around on top of it in stolen kayaks.
Vanessa: The world is filled with things that don’t make any rational sense.
Mike: Like the UN. Plus-size bikinis. Wealthy Democrats!
Ryan: I hope this is better than Clint [Eastwood]’s last movie: The Old, the Chair and the Crazy.