S1 E05 Coal Digger

10/21/09 | TV-PG | CC

Every modern family has issues. Some choose to talk about them; others prefer to sweep things under the rug. But, as Phil points out, you'll end up with a lumpy rug. His wisdom never ceases to amaze us.

Jay is bummed when he finds out the entire family is coming over during the Ohio State game. The Buckeyes are set to play the University of Illinois, a team that once featured Cameron as starting offensive lineman. Surprise! In an effort to take part in his boyfriend's interests, Mitchell does some Internet research. He's prepping for a little color commentary with his dad and Cameron as they watch the game. Of course, Mitchell is bummed when he finds out the players don't wear ascots after mishearing Cameron talk about mascots.

In the hours before kickoff, Claire receives a call that Luke got into a fight at school. When she and Jay meet up in the principal's office, they learn that the boy Luke fought with is Manny. There was some shoving and name-calling. Apparently, Manny keeps calling Luke his nephew because Manny is technically his uncle. Kids can be so mean in the schoolyard. The principal tells the parents they can resolve this at home. This is easier said than done when some unresolved issues between Claire and Gloria begin to surface.

At the family gathering, Phil wants to play mediator to Manny and Luke by initiating a discussion about feelings. He believes he's "like Dr. Phil but with hair." Jay speeds along the truce talks by giving each boy a smack on the back of the head and sending them out to play. Hey, there's a game on! Jay's approach works, as the boys are buddy-buddy now and joking about how Luke's mom used to say Gloria was a "coal digger." As you may have guessed, the kids are a little confused. The expression, as Phil points out, is "gold digger." Better?

Claire tries to explain to her dad that it was a natural assumption when they first met his new love. After all, she's a beautiful, hot, young woman and he's not exactly…well, you know. Gloria is so upset that she locks herself in her bedroom. Once again, "Dr. Phil with hair" tries to help her talk it out. He ends up getting draped in Gloria's sexy, multicolored underwear. Don't ask.

Jay is stinging from Claire's remarks, too. Since Jay knows Mitchell and Cameron look at guys, he asks them if they would ever check him out. Mitchell's completely aghast but Cameron chooses to answer the question honestly by telling Jay he's "smokin' hot." He continues, "You're totally my type. You're dangerous. You're gettable. You have a little cashola in your pocket." Mitchell's beyond horrified and we're beyond hysterical.

Back in the bedroom, Claire joins the discussion and doesn't even inquire as to why her husband is covered in Gloria's underwear. Told ya it was better not to ask. Phil leaves the ladies to chat and Gloria asks Claire if she's happy that she married her father. Claire struggles with the answer but ultimately says, "I am really happy that you make my dad happy, which you do in so many ways... so many colors." Phil left a pile of those colorful, sexy undergarments on the floor at her feet. When Jay pops his head in to check on his wife and daughter, Claire assures him that she and Gloria are good now.

Claire later admits to Mitchell that it's just a little weird for her to think of a woman being sexually attracted to her dad. Mitchell trumps her "weirded out" feelings by telling her that Cameron said he would pick up dad at a gay bar. They both agree to never think about their father as a sexual being. This doesn't last long as they walk into the living room to catch Cameron bending over as Jay stands behind him with his hands between Cam's legs. Hey, how else are you supposed to demonstrate the proper technique for snapping a football? Love it!

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