Phil has 447 Facebook friends, with one of them being his old girlfriend, Denise (guest star Judy Greer). Claire is suspicious because the recently-divorced Denise wants to meet Phil at an intimate French restaurant. To dispel any thoughts that his ex has an agenda, Phil invites Denise over to the house to meet Claire and the kids.
Alex decides to have a little fun with Luke by telling him that Denise is his real mom. It's a ruse that causes Luke to flee the room several times once Denise arrives. Phil's former love seems harmless enough, regaling the family with tales of Phil's breakdancing days in high school. His nickname back then was "Ozone." Love it!
Claire admits that she was way off base regarding Denise. Or was she? While Claire is in another room, Denise slips Phil her hotel room key. She chases him around the house, thinking that he's been flirting with her for a year online. This has Phil wondering just how many more of his 447 Facebook friends he's unwittingly led on.
It comes out Phil was still seeing Denise back when he first started dating Claire. Phil says, "I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old." Denise suggests that Claire kick Phil out of the house and make him spend the night at a hotel. The Radisson. By the airport. With that, Denise makes a hasty exit. Don't worry, Phil's not going anywhere. But Claire may be off to the computer to make sure her hubby has one less Facebook friend.
Manny is bummed about losing a part in the school play. The boy was born to play Tevye! Jay tries to cheer him up by giving him a framed picture with the caption, "What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger." As Jay tries to hang the picture, it crashes into the aquarium home of Manny's pet turtle. An unsuspecting Shel Turtlestein never had a chance. Wonder if there's a poster that reads "What Does Kill Us Makes Us Dead."Jay tries to cover up the involuntary turtleslaughter by blaming the pet's death on a murderous raccoon. He even ransacks Manny's room to make it look like there was a break-in. Manny is understandably devastated, but Gloria suspects something is amiss. She says, "I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one."
Jay admits to his wife that he accidentally killed Shel Turtlestein. He framed the raccoon because of a previous homicide involving a nine-year-old Mitchell's pet bird. He says, "To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking that's the guy who killed Flyza Minnelli."
Jay eventually comes clean to his stepson. He says things have been going good between them lately and he just didn't want to mess it up. In the interest of full disclosure, Manny wants to tell Jay the story behind that mystery scratch on his car. Jay says he already knows how it happened. It was a raccoon.
Mitchell has been logging a lot of hours at the law office which has caused him to miss a ton of family time with Cameron and Lily. While driving to the office on a weekend, Mitchell disparages his boss while talking to Cam on the phone. He looks over to see his boss sitting in the car next to him, window down. Did he hear all the spiteful things Mitchell spewed forth? Well, that is the question. Too bad Mitchell is clueless to the answer.
Mitchell tries to convince his boss that he was talking about someone else when they saw each other on the street. The boss-man doesn't seem to care about any of that. He just wants Mitchell to work on Sunday. Cam sends Mitchell a picture of Lily standing for the first time. Another moment he missed because of work.
This prompts Mitchell to tell his boss that he can't work Sunday because he has plans with his family. He says, "If my daughter can stand up then so can I." Way to go, Mitchell! Looks like he won't have to work Sunday after all. Monday either. That's because he no longer has a job.
Mitchell comes home to give Cameron the good news. At least, he's trying to convince himself that it's good news. He feels liberated. His heart is pounding. Yes, he's having a panic attack. Cameron calms him down by assuring him that they'll figure it all out. They'll toast this realization with some wine. Some cheap wine, that is. They may have to sell the good stuff to make ends meet. Cheers!