Claire wants the family to power down all electronic devices for one full week. Phil has already locked in his fantasy football starters, so he fully supports Claire's initiative. He says, "I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week I may as well be Amish. Jebediah Dunphy. Raisin' barns... witnessin' murders... makin' electric fireplace hearts." Wonder if he'll churn butter, too.
Phil gives the kids a little incentive. Whoever lasts longest will get whatever they desire. Alex would like a new computer. Luke wants a chicken pot pie. As for Haley, she'll be happy with a brand new car. Phil agrees to all demands because he believes his kids will crumble before the week-long electronics ban is up. Claire isn't so sure. She says, "Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you." So sweet.
The first 24 hours of the electronics-free life take their toll on Alex, who got a B on a school paper after using outdated encyclopedias. She withdraws herself from the competition. Luke also bails when he learns there's a parasailing donkey video on YouTube. Claire also caves after several frustrating phone attempts to make plane reservations. Only Haley and Phil remain.
When Claire and Phil hear Haley laughing in her room, they suspect she's busy talking and/or texting on her cell. They storm inside to catch her in the act. Phil is thrilled because the quarterback on his fantasy team went down with an injury. He quickly jumps online to pop in a sub.
When Haley is sure that her dad is officially online, she reveals that the phone she was allegedly using is actually a bar of soap. Haley totally duped her mom and dad in order to win the wager and get that car. Smooth move, Haley. Too bad Phil and Claire totally flake out on their side of the deal. It's completely unfair, but in Phil and Claire's defense... Nope, we got nothing. It's just way unfair.
The barking dog next door has been keeping both Gloria and Manny awake at night. The neighbor claims the pooch belongs to his soon-to-be ex-wife. He's not very accommodating to Gloria's request to put a muzzle on the mutt. The next day, the dog is gone. Jay suspects Gloria may have taken matters into her own hands. After all, she once chopped off a rat's head to send a message to the other rodents.
Gloria is horrified to discover that both her husband and son think she may, in fact, be a dog killer. You know how people say they take their pets to a make-believe farm to cover the sad truth that the dog is dead? Well, in Gloria's case, she actually did take the dog to a "real" farm where he's very much alive and happy not to be chained up in the neighbor's yard. Jay apologizes, not only for what he thought, but for all the digs he typically takes at his wife's native land. Nice.
Mitchell and Cameron are desperate to put Lily into a good preschool. Claire gets them an interview at Wagon Wheel preschool. Her kids are alumni. While waiting to be interviewed, a nervous Mitchell and Cameron realize they are actually in demand. Any preschool would love to flaunt its diversity by admitting an Asian child being raised by two gay men. This has our boys wondering if they should ditch Wagon Wheel for the more prestigious Billingsley Academy.
Mitch and Cam fully expect to ace the interview at Billingsley until they see a Caucasian single mom with an African-American baby in the waiting room. They still believe they have the upper hand diversity-wise until the woman's lesbian partner enters in a wheelchair. Uh- oh.
This new wrinkle prompts Cam to up their pedigree by speaking as if he's a Native American. Cam says, "The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man, the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn, which my people call maize." Yeah, it's as ridiculous as it sounds. Sure hope Wagon Wheel Preschool didn't give away Lily's slot!
Clash of Swords