STORY 1: Haley Gets Arrested
When the cops break up an underage drinking party at Haley's college, she gets thrown in jail for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer, so it's up to Phil, Claire and lawyer (environmental lawyer) Mitchell to bail out Haley.
Alex: "Where are my parents?"
Cameron: "Well, the school called and your sister won a big award."
Alex: "Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley."
Lily: "She's in jail!"
Cameron: "Lily, what did I say?"
Lily: "That it's only a matter of time."
Luke: "I hope she hits the weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out."
Claire: "She has been in college for six weeks!"
Phil: "And everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night in freshman year, a bunch of us on the Frisbee-golf team got a case of Zima. Enough zed."
Jay: "Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason!"
Mitchell: "OK, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?"
Phil: "Look, this has got to be some kind of mistake. Our daughter is tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone. Insulted, maybe. Was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes, because that really sets her off."
Claire: "What are you wearing?!?"
Haley: "What? What's wrong with it?"
Claire: "Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the Secret Service."
Haley: "In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute."
Phil: "Haley, this is real life not an excellent movie."
Dean Miller (at Haley's disciplinary hearing): "This is our student representative, Aidan Feldman."
Haley: "Hi, nice to meet you."
Aidan: "Seriously? We sit next to each other in Econ."
Haley: "Ohhhh, right!"
Aidan: "Don't. It insults both of us... Mostly me."
Dean Miller: "Move it along, Aidan. This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate."
Dean Miller: "Miss Dunphy, we appreciate your candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
Haley: "Go Wildcats?"
Aidan: "That's not even our mascot."
Phil (helping Haley move out of her dorm): "Where are my keys?"
Haley: "Oh, they're right there on the makeup table."
Claire: "Oh, honey. That's a desk."
Haley (picking up a model made from Styrofoam balls): "What is this? A solar system?"
Alex: "It's molecules!"
Haley: "They're nerdy balls."
Luke: "Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv."
STORY 2: Lukes Gets Hospitalized
Cameron takes care of Alex, Luke and Lily while their parents are bailing out Haley, but things take a bad turn after a health-conscious Cam feeds soy bacon to an allergic Luke.
Cameron: "I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is Facon. It's like real bacon."
Mitchell: "Except for the look, the texture and the taste."
Cameron: "Maybe the store-bought kind, but I make my own so it's not even real Facon. It's faux Facon. Fauxcon."
Mitchell: "It's fauxcon disgusting..."
Nurse: "What happened?"
Cameron: "Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good he couldn't tell the difference."
Nurse: "I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?"
Alex: "Right here!"
Claire (on the phone overhearing everything): "What was that?"
Cameron: "Oh, I'm just watching an original Lifetime movie called The Boy Who Can't Breathe."
Claire: "That sounded like Alex."
Cameron: "Nope, just Amanda Bynes."
Cameron (to Luke, who's wearing his hospital gown backwards): "Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back."
Luke: "No way! I don't want people to see my butt."
STORY 3: Dede Pays a Visit
Jay tries to keep Gloria away from the house when Dede (guest star Shelley Long) drops by for a surprise visit, but the two rival women soon find a common bond over their criticism of Jay's seeming disinterest in fatherhood.
Gloria: "What I want is a husband who wants to go shopping for a stroller with me."
Jay: "If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby."
Jay (to Manny): "Sorry, I would love to go to the Spoken Word Festival, but I'm already going to the I'd Rather Blow My Brains Out Jamboree."
Gloria (to Dede feeling her belly): "Did you feel it kicking?"
Dede: "Yes! Oh, I remember those. Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs. And she didn't stop until she was four."
Dede (apologizing for her rough history with Gloria): "I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Francis buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first."
Clash of Swords