STORY 1: Claire Gets Out with the Kids
Alex is competing again in an academic competition. When Claire takes her, Luke and Manny away for the weekend so Alex can uphold her title, it becomes clear mom takes too much pride in her daughter's victories. It also becomes clear to Manny and Luke that crashing bar mitzvahs is a tricky business when they have trouble locating Manny's crush who's attending one of three possible parties at their hotel.
Claire (after checking into the hotel): "Nothing from the minibar and no pay-per-view."
Manny: "Can we at least..."
Claire: "No, you may not send things out for pressing."
Manny (on a hotel guest who's there to attend a bar mitzvah): "No girl's ever smiled at me like that. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah."
Manny: "There was a connection. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has led to this moment."
Luke: "You made a very similar speech to make my mom stop for those churros."
Manny: "She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah!"
Luke: "Not if you like prime rib, bubbe."
Claire: "I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms."
Alex: "Well, in our house I'm kind of your only source for that."
Claire: "You're telling me. Haley emails me pictures of her nails, and Luke asked me if he's part owl."
Alex: "He does get his head pretty far around."
STORY 2: Phil Stays in for Boys' Night
With everyone out of the house for the weekend, Phil sets up a boys' night for Dave (guest star Matthew Broderick), a guy he met at the gym who isn't quite sure if the get-together is a romantic date.
Phil (after wiring the house to his iPad): "Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here."
Dave (on the phone with Cam after making a date with Phil): "You were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy."
Cameron: "What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells... Redundant."
Dave (thinking Phil is gay but seeing his family photos on the wall): "Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are you married?"
Phil: "Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I'm long overdue for a boys' night."
Dave: "So your wife is OK with it?"
Phil: "Oh, yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. As long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine."
STORY 3: Jay and Gloria Are Kept Out of the House
Cam, who doesn't like to shop off gift registries, is having a surprise mural painted at the Pritchett-Delgado house, so it's up to him and Mitch to keep Gloria and Jay away from home while the masterpiece is completed in the new baby room.
Gloria: "I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. I swear it's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl."
Cameron: "You could be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side can-can dancer in Gigi."
Mitchell: "Wow, she really set you up for that one, didn't she?"
Cameron: "I know. When it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing."
Mitchell: "Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before: 'Dad, you seem sad. You want to talk?'" (as Jay) "'Talk?!? What are we, girlfriends?!?'"
Mitchell: (acting out a conversation with Jay): "'Dad I can see that you're going through something.'" (as Jay) "'And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business!'"