Claire visits her alma mater for her college reunion, where she reunites with classmate Esther and buddy Drew a.k.a. "Tater" (guest star David Faustino). Her old professor who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend is there, too, which is exactly why Claire doesn't want Phil to tag along. Phil shows up anyway and things get awkward, but soon Claire is grateful for Phil when all thoughts of what could've been with Professor Cooke are burst with a glimpse at her ex's bitter wife and unhappy life.
Esther: "Professor Cooke. Still the sexiest man on campus."
Claire: "Wanna know a li'l somethin'?"
Esther: "You dated him?"
Claire: "How did you know that? We were so careful with that secret!"
Esther: "You wore an oversized tweed jacket to breakfast and called my Rabbit convertible bourgeois."
Claire (spotting Drew at the reunion): "Tater! Oh my gosh! I heard you're hugely successful!"
Drew: "Yeah, well, y'know, when all the hot girls call you 'Tater,' you tend to try a little harder."
Claire: "Adorable! Adorable!"
Phil: "I've regretted throwing away things more beaten up than Claire, so if this campus Casanova had thoughts of reclaiming her, guess what, hotshot? Legally, I still own her."
Claire (meeting Professor Cooke's wife, Maggie, at his house party): "Oh, I thought that was the bedroom."
Maggie: "You're in the bedroom, honey. And the living room and the study and the gym. But anyway, listen to me, I'm being rude. How is everybody? How's things?"
Phil: "Not bad..."
Maggie: "No, I'm literally asking you how is it to have things."
STORY 2: Wigging Out over an Oscar Party Photo Shoot
Mitch and Cam are throwing an Oscar party and they plan on decorating their place with photos of Lily dressed up as various Hollywood starlets. Soon baby Joe becomes part of the shoot, and soon a wig becomes glued on his li'l head courtesy of Lily.
Lily (bored of posing for her photo shoot): "Can I take a break? I want to be alone."
Cam: "OK, where was that attitude when we were doing Greta Garbo?"
Cameron (on flying home to Missouri): "You have to get the tickets before all the good seats are taken."
Mitchell: "You mean the ones that aren't on a plane to Missouri."
Cameron (on Lily quitting the photo shoot): "Oh my gosh, what has gotten into her? We've been doing this for six hours and now all of a sudden she doesn't love it?"
Mitchell (to Cameron photographing baby Joe): "You've had my dad's baby for 45 minutes and he's already in a dress."
Mitchell (on Lily not liking modeling): "But isn't it great that we've raised her to have opinions and interests of her own?"
Cameron: "This early? She's still so dadgum young."
Mitchell: "OK, is that another southern thing or are you just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?"
Cameron (on Lily gluing a wig on baby Joe): "OK, well, I should've seen this coming. I replaced her with somebody younger and she sabotaged Joe's shoot out of sheer jealousy. Maybe she does have what it takes to be a model!"
Cameron (styling Joe's glued-on wig into a windswept hairdo): "Don't worry, I'm working on a Plan B. Or should I say, Plan Bieber?"
STORY 3: Manny Sings the Blues
After three bad auditions, Manny is depressed about his future in singing. Meanwhile, Jay, who is getting ready for a big bowling tournament, finds time to both kick Jay off the team and pick up Manny's spirits.
Jay (on the Trade Association's annual bowling tournament): "Last year, we lost to our biggest rival. Frazier had Ali. Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl."
Manny (depressed and wanting to be alone): "What do I have to do to make you leave? Sing?"
Manny: "My life is a musicless gray hellscape."
Gloria (seeing Jay's trophy): "You beat Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?"
Jay: "We destroyed them! And it's Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets."
Gloria: "What did I say?"
Jay: "We went through this for a half hour yesterday. I can't do it again."
Clash of Swords