Claire and Cameron (collectively dubbed "Clameron" by Phil) have finished flipping the house they bought, but two months have passed with no prospective buyers. So it's up to the best real estate agent in town to sell it, and that's Gil Thorpe, not Phil Dunphy. When negotiations with Gil (guest star Rob Riggle) fall through, the family is left to woo a potential buyer recommended by Luke. To make sure the house is perfect for him, Haley researches him online so the family can customize the pad to his liking (or at least to what he's liked on Facebook).
Cameron (giving a tour of the new house): "And as we make our way out of the gourmet kitchen, we find ourself back in the warm embrace of the parlor."
Mitchell: "Easy, Duchess. It's one room, not Gosford Park."
Phil (making a toast): "To the hard work of Claire and Cameron, or, as I like to call them, 'Clameron.'"
Luke: "Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a house. Maybe I could show it to him after school, and if he buys it, then I'd get the commission. What would that be?"
Gil Thorpe: "...then you can go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, but you and I both know that you got Thorpedoed!"
Phil: "Guess what, Gil? This was a courtesy call to tell you that I have another buyer, so you can tell your buyer that you cost them a great house because you got cocky and overplayed your hand. Prepare to Phil the agony of Dunpheat."
Haley (researching a potential buyer): "Zack Barbie, born 1986, went to college at a place called Mit."
Haley: "I know how to spell it."
Phil (on Haley's Internet research prowess): "She's like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
Cameron: "With cuter hair."
Haley: "Stop talking!"
Mitchell: "Oh, she really is."
Gloria's ex-husband Javier (guest star Benjamin Bratt) returns with his latest date, Trish (guest star Paget Brewster), but she's not the usual bimbo Gloria is used to. Intellectual Trish has an instant bond with Manny, and Gloria's insecurities hit the boiling point when Javier proposes to his new flame.
Gloria (on Javier): "You remember that time that he took Manny and that stripper fishing?
Jay: "Yeah, they barely got a nipple."
Manny (introducing Trish): "She works at the museum of art. It was so cool. We got an after-hours tour and Trish said I could take flash pictures of the paintings! But don't worry, I didn't."
Jay: "That's a relief. I was afraid I was going to have to look at them."
Gloria (playing charades): "I got this!"
Jay: "Is it a play, a book or a movie?"
Gloria (confused): "Yeah, yeah, one of those..."
Javier: "Dazed and Confused!"
Trish (jealous of Gloria's body): "You know what I had for lunch? I had half a granola bar and I can't button my pants!"
Clash of Swords