It's Career Day at school, so Phil gives a presentation at Luke and Manny's class. Real estate rival Gil Thorpe (guest star Rob Riggle) upstages the show, and to add insult to injury, he offers Claire a job.
Phil (presenting to the class): "Guess what? I've been in your house when you weren't home! And yours. And yours. No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor."
Phil: "History is full of great rivalries. Athens and Sparta. Kerrigan and Harding. Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy."
Gil Thorpe: "Who wants a Gil Pickle?"
Phil (on Gil Thorpe's Career Day giveaways): "Gil Pickles! Genius. So much better than my Phillowcases. Claire wasn't a fan."
Claire: "One of him in bed is more than enough!"
Phil: "Ya hear that, ladies?"
Gil Thorpe: "Remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!"
Claire: "I thought I would be going back to work when the kids got older, but it's not as easy as you might think. People aren't exactly lining up to hire a woman who is almost 40 and has been out of the job market for 15 years."
Luke: "I thought you were 42."
Claire: "That's almost 40, Luke."
Phil (on Claire considering a job offer from Gil Thorpe): "You can't be serious! Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!"
Claire: "I hate to break it to you, Phil, but you're not Batman."
Lily loses her first tooth and her first encounter with the Tooth Fairy proves to be lucrative when Cam accidentally slips a $100 bill under her pillow. To encourage Lily to return the money, Mitch and Cam recruit Haley to pose as the Tooth Fairy.
Cameron: "When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of a string to it and the other to the tail of Guernsey cow. Fired off a 12-gauge shotgun and the cow went runnin' out of the room."
Mitchell: "That never happened."
Cameron: "Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall."
Mitchell: "The Tooth Fairy gave our daughter $100! Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is five at the most?"
Cameron: "Well, obviously the Tooth Fairy made a mistake."
Mitchell: "That's because the Tooth Fairy had a little too much Chardonnay last night."
Cameron: "I think the Tooth Fairy can handle the Chardonnay. What I think she can't handle is criticizing someone who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night."
Lily (with her $100 bill): "I'm gonna put this is in my clutch. I can't wait to tell everyone at school!"
Cameron: "OK, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the Tooth Fairy."
Mitchell: "It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch."
Mitchell (reading an envelope addressed to Lily): "Let's see here. Oh, the Tooth Fairy! 1 Tooth Fairy Lane, Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Haley (on her Tooth Fairy costume): "Can I borrow this?"
Haley: "I'd rather not say."
STORY 3: Jay Pursues Writing
Jay has always wanted to try his hand at writing a spy novel. He has trouble drafting even the first page of his "Chuck Stone" thriller so Manny steps in to ghost-write the story.
Gloria: "Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing."
Jay: "Hey, I bought a typewriter."
Gloria: "A typewriter? When is your book signing, 1975?"
Jay: "Enough chit-chat. I've got to get a character out of a bind"
Manny: "Ooh. What did he do?"
Jay: "He told his wife he could write a book."
Clash of Swords