STORY 1: The First Day of School
It's the first day of school and Cam gets called in to work as a substitute teacher for Alex's A.P. History class, but he's clearly in over his head. Even Cam's flair for the dramatic, which includes dressing as George Washington, fails to inspire the class, and soon Alex becomes the teacher, and the teacher becomes the student.
Phil (serving breakfast): "Traditional first-day-of-school pancakes! Whip cream smile?"
Luke: "Dad, I'm in high school now... Just put it in my mouth."
Claire: "Don't you have some studying to do?"
Haley: "Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick."
Cameron: "I've been working as a high school sub."
Cameron: "I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kinda like Batman, but except for a Bat-Signal, I get a phone call."
Mitchell: "Yeah, you found the one difference."
Cameron (to Principal Brown): "Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest, because I'm about to bedazzling you."
Cameron (entering the class dressed as George Washington): "Good morrow. Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?"
Cameron: "Native Americans! Indians! A majestic, peaceful people who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter."
Student: "So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?"
Cameron: "Ah yes, I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker and traffic cop."
Principal Brown: "There's a gym teacher position available. It's all yours if you coach."
Cameron: "Can I wear shorts?"
Principal Brown: "Yeah, and you get a whistle, too!"
Cameron: "I always get a whistle when I wear shorts."
STORY 2: Claire's First Day Working for Jay
Claire starts her first day on the job working for her dad at Pritchett Closets & Blinds. Claire is nervous, but it's not the work she's worried about -- it's whether or not she can get her coworkers to like her.
Jay: "Sweetheart, you look terrific!"
Claire (showing her briefcase): "Are you sure? Because I have another blouse in here. It's the only thing in here. That and a pair of glasses in case I need to read something or look smart."
Jay: "Relax, it's your first day. Impossible to blow it. What are those?"
Claire: "Oh, cookies. I made them for the office."
Jay: "Huge mistake."
STORY 3: Mitchell Takes Lily to Work
With Cam teaching at the high school, Mitchell is left to watch over Lily while also having to tend to an important client, who might be as childish as Lily. Soon, Mitchell finds himself running interference with his client Charlie Bingham (guest star Justin Kirk), whose midlife crisis has him way too infatuated with the way too young Haley.
Charlie: "OK, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half hour. I have my helicopter standing by on the roof."
Mitchell: "Is it even built for that?"
Charlie: "No, that's why you only have a half hour."
Mitchell (apologizing for Lily being in the office): "Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick her up. Lily had an incident in school today..."
Charlie: "Hey, Pritchett, you're not some hot single mom I'm trying to seduce. I don't need to hear about your kid."
Charlie: "Hi! Charlie Bingham. Wow, look at your eyes."
Haley: "I can't."
Charlie: "Why are we working? I gotta go to Cabo. Hey, you wanna come with me?"
Haley: "I've never been to Cabo."
Mitchell: "She's not going to Cabo because she's half your age."
Haley: "How old are you?"
Charlie: "Who cares? Pretty soon I'm gonna look 20. I've been meditating in one of those pressurized eggs."
Haley: "Well, if I went to Cabo, what would the sleeping situation be?"
Charlie: "Not much."
Clash of Swords