STORY 1: Pameron Tucker
When Cam's sister Pam (guest star Dana Powell) comes to visit, Cam and Mitch try their best to hide news of their engagement from her since she's still single. But it turns out she's engaged, too -- to Cam's boyhood crush. Cam gets a bit jealous, and soon everyone is admitting to Cam that they don't tell him the truth sometimes because he's too sensitive when it comes to hearing bad news.
Cameron: "What are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any minute! I told you to put all this wedding stuff away!"
Mitchell: "Are these really our top two choices for color palette? Why are they both white?"
Lily: "That's what my friend Keisha asked about you and daddy."
Lily: "My daddies are getting married."
Pam: "Your dads are getting married? That can't be right."
Lily: "That's what my friend Keisha says."
Cameron: "Why don't you give me an example of something you haven't told me because you were worried I couldn't handle it?"
Claire: "Alright. Last week when we were supposed to have lunch and you canceled... Beyonce was at the restaurant."
Cameron: "OK... uh, the singer... or Pepper's dog?"
Claire: "The singer. And when I was leaving, I stopped and said "hello" to her and we chatted for, like, 10 minutes."
Cameron: "OK, that's great. I'm glad you had that experience. I mean, I don't know what you'd talk to her about seeing as you don't know any of her songs other than "Single Ladies," which everyone knows."
Jay: "Love that song!"
Haley: "I don't really like the shirts with the crazy cuffs."
Cameron: "Oh, I'm sorry. Could you push your boobs down? Because I couldn't hear you."
STORY 2: Phil vs. the Birds
Claire and Phil try to occupy themselves with errands so they can avoid attending one of Luke's soccer games, since their son spends most of the time on the bench. Claire ends up finishing her tasks early and, out of guilt, attends a game where Luke plays like a superstar. She tries to keep the truth hidden from Phil, who wanted to spend the day using his gutter-cleaning robot. The robot also works like a superstar, plowing through debris, including a bird's nest. Distraught, Phil is unable to get past what he's done to the baby crows that were living in his gutter.
Claire: "Would it feel wrong to use that robot gutter cleaner that's been sitting in the box for the past three weeks?"
Phil: "No, that would feel right, so right. Did I tell you I call it the 'Gutter Done'?"
Phil (to Luke): "I'm so sorry I missed your game."
Claire: "We're both sorry we missed your game."
Phil: "The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows."
Manny: "Actually, it's not a bunch of crows. It's called a murder."
Phil (defensively): "I know what I did!"
STORY 3: Gloria Needs Glasses
Gloria is clearly having trouble with her vision. She's too vain to wear glasses, so Jay and Manny try to come up with a scheme to get her to admit that her eyes are bad.
Jay: "What did the doctor say?"
Gloria: "He said my eyes are perfect!"
Jay: "Where was he looking when he said it?"
Gloria (struggling to read a menu): "I'll take this one. Looks very good."
Jay: "That's their address, Magoo."
Jay: "Did he even give you an eye test?"
Gloria: "He put the spoon in the one eye, the spoon in the other eye, the poof-poof, the eye drops -- 20/20. Now, who's the Magoo?"
Jay: "What the hell language was that?"
Alex (playing Words with Friends): "OK, that's it. Grandpa's cheating."
Haley: "On Gloria? How could he possibly do better?"
Alex: "No, not on Gloria. On this game. I've never lost it to anyone."
Haley: "Keep playing word games with grandpa and you never will."
Jay (after pretending to have eaten rat poison to test Gloria's vision): "This was to point out that your vanity could be fatal."
Gloria: "I knew this was all a trick. That's why I acted like I couldn't read the box!"
Jay: "How many people have to pretend to die, Gloria?"