STORY 1: Phil in a Hipster Suit and Luke Home Alone
Phil dresses to impress Claire, but his slim-cut hipster suit is proving to be too tight for him to do anything at all. That's the least of Claire's worries, however. She's too concerned about leaving Luke at home alone and whether or not he can take care of himself.
Phil (modeling his new suit): "Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth."
Haley: "Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine."
Claire (to Luke): "Why aren't you going with them?"
Phil: "He wanted to stay home. I said it was OK."
Claire: "By himself?"
Phil: "It's fine. If he's old enough to watch The Walking Dead with me..."
Claire: "He's not."
Phil: "...he's old enough to stay home alone."
Claire: "He's not."
Phil: "Honey, he's 14. We left Alex alone when she was 10."
Claire: "We didn't leave her. We forgot her."
Phil: "And when we got home, she was fine... physically. Plus, she's still friends with that sweet 911 operator."
Claire (giving advice to Luke): "But if you do choke, you gotta throw yourself against a chair to get the food out."
Phil: "He'll just drink stuff."
Claire: "Nothing from under the sink."
Luke: "Even if it's lemony?"
Claire: "New suit?"
Phil: "This old thing? Yes, it is. I got it at this hipster place downtown. You like it?"
Claire: "It's tight."
Phil: "Well the salesman said it was the style and he looked like a Mumford & Son, so I think he'd know."
STORY 2: Jay's Reservations for Dinner and His Reservations about Gloria's Punctuality
Jay got reservations at a hot, new restaurant and has invited all the parents, but Gloria and everyone else is having trouble being on time.
Manny: "I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant."
Jay: "I've waited six weeks for this reservation! They have an Australian Wagyu beef that's supposed to change your life."
Manny: "In the way heart disease changes your life?"
Jay: "Because you're a pillar of health."
Jay: "Gloria is always late, then I get mad and tell her to hurry, we yell, and it just takes longer. So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, just to take some deep breaths and stay calm. That's the only thing I learned in Lamaze class. Because we were always late."
Haley (to Gloria): "Your hair looks amazing, like you just got off a horse."
STORY 3: Mitch and Cam - Who Wore It Best?
When Mitch and Cam end up wearing the exact same outfit for dinner with Jay and company, they each stubbornly refuse to change and things soon escalate into a game of wit as they each try to trick the other into changing.
Mitchell: "Cam, come on! Let's go!"
Cameron: "Two seconds."
Mitchell: "I thought that being with a man meant I wouldn't have to wait around like this. I feel cheated. I do!"
Cameron: "One of us has to change. We look like twin toddlers at church."
Mitchell: "You don't like my Oxfords?"
Cameron: "I'm sorry. I'm being harsh. They're fine..."
Mitchell: "Thank you."
Cameron: "...for a small town detective."
Clash of Swords