STORY 1: The New Manny of the House
Jay and Gloria need a new nanny, since Manny keeps hitting on every woman they hire. When Gloria finds the perfect motivational and health-conscious male nanny (guest star Adam DeVine) named Andy, the new manny is met with resistance from Jay and the original Manny.
Manny (hitting on his nanny): "So Marie, what do you feel like doing for dinner tonight?"
Gloria: "You're eating Dino-Bites because you're a little boy."
Jay (on Manny hitting on his nannies): "I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future."
Jay: "Who are you?"
Andy: "I'm the new manny."
Manny: "Am I being replaced?"
Andy: "My mission is to make all of your lives happier and healthier."
Jay: "Is this because I ate that party sub?"
Jay (on Andy not being the right nanny): "That's a nonstarter. Keep looking."
Gloria: "But he's perfect!"
Jay: "He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's like Phil only I have to pay for him."
STORY 2: Frank Dunphy and the Hooker
Phil's dad, the recently widowed Frank (guest star Fred Willard), seems lonely so Phil and Jay take him out for a night on the town so he can get his groove back. What he gets instead by accident is a hooker (guest star Peri Gilpin), who has spent the night and needs payment.
Claire: "I should talk to my dad. You know what? He was pretty down after the divorce. I bet he has some insight."
Phil: "Yeah, because you're dad's so in touch with people's feelings? When a man is overcome with emotion at a Celine Dion concert, you do not tell him to grow a pair!"
Phil: "The ship went down but their love lasts forever!"
Jay: "I know a fun place. Tonight: You, me and Frank out on the town!"
Phil: "Oh fun, a three-way!"
Jay: "I already regret this."
Frank: "Truth is, I have a bit of a situation. She says I owe her $500."
Phil: "Please tell me you broke something of hers."
Frank: "No, turns out she's a hooker."
Phil: "You picked up a hooker?"
Frank: "Well, I didn't know she was a hooker!"
Phil: "You're in my kitchen, we have to stop saying 'hooker'!"
Claire (thinking Jeannie the hooker is Frank's therapist): "Hi, I'm Claire. I'm Frank's daughter-in-law and I just want to thank you so much for coming and helping him out this way. It was my idea."
Phil: "No, it wasn't."
Claire: "I've never told anyone this, but I've always wanted to do what you do. I think I'd be really good at it."
Phil: "No, she wouldn't."
Claire: "What are you talking about? It's basically what I do for the whole neighborhood. At least this way I'd get paid for it."
Claire (asking Jeannie to break up a fight between Haley and Alex): "I'm just at my wit's end with these two. I don't suppose you have any experience with teenagers..."
Jeannie: "You two remind me of me and my sister. We used to fight all the time. I used to accuse her of stealing my boyfriend, she would accuse me of trying to stab her. Y'know, sister stuff."
Claire: "Oh my god..."
Jeannie: "Trust me, if I wanted to stab her, that skank be stabbed."
Claire (to Phil): "She's not a therapist, is she?"
STORY 3: Pepper and the Purple Wedding
Pepper Saltzman (guest star Nathan Lane) returns to plan Cam and Mitch's wedding, but they're not too fond of his flashy recommendations for a purple palette and an arrival on a unicorn. They're afraid to offend Pepper, so they try to go behind his back and work with his assistant Ronaldo.
Pepper: "The idea of two men being able to marry, seemed like a fantasy, so I see you riding down the purple aisle on a unicorn."
Clash of Swords