STORY 1: Officer Jay, Fair Cop
At the annual school fair, Jay gets in a fight with another fair goer when they try to take the same parking space. Jay's frustrations are tested even further when he discovers that he's been volunteered to work as a fair cop and he's been partnered with his parking space rival, Derrick (guest star Jordan Peele). Cam is also at the fair, but he's too stressed about coaching freshman football and his team's losing streak.
Cameron (on the football field to the referee): "That's the worst call since they cast Russell Crowe in Les Miz!"
Manny: "I'm going to win the cake contest, and then there'll be no stopping me."
Jay: "From what, a beating?"
Jay (to Derrick who's trying to take Jay's parking spot): "Did you not see my blinker?"
Jay: "Then you're blind, 'cause it's on!"
Derrick: "Looking at ya, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here."
Jay (not budging): "I got all day and satellite radio."
Derrick: "I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list. I got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box. I will sleep here if I have to!"
STORY 2: Phil and Claire's 20th Anniversary
It's Phil and Claire's 20th wedding anniversary. Claire has always given disappointing gifts, so this year she hopes to give the ultimate gift for their 20th, which is traditionally the gift of china (What's she going to do, give him a plate? In fact, she already gave him a commemorative Planet of the Apes plate). Meanwhile, Phil has arranged to sing a surprise anniversary ballad for Claire during a fair performance by the band, The Dad Beats. On another romantic front, Luke has a crush on Alex's friend Sienna and he tries to make his move at the fair.
Phil (singing the song he wrote for Claire): "She's a pretty sight, wise as a buddha. But brother, watch that bite. She's a Claire-acuda!"
Alex: "Sienna is amazing. Stylish, worldly, and she's so new to our school she doesn't even realize that I'm a full social class below her. I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria."
Derrick: "Ma'am, I am afraid you are under arrest."
Claire: "Uh, no... Dad? Tell him I can't do this right now."
Phil: "Go ahead, read her the charges."
Jay: "Can't do this..."
Derrick: "Let's see, you have been charged with unlawful sexiness and possession of a hot booty."
Jay: "That is wrong."
Phil: "Guilty as charged."
Derrick: "All right, young lady. You're under arrest."
Derrick: "You have the right to remain silent."
Luke: "Good luck with that."
Alex (on Luke): "My friend Sienna and I were trying to help with a girl he has a crush on."
Claire: "Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush on. Come on, haven't you ever seen the way he looks at her? The same way he used to look at Halloween candy."
STORY 3: Haley vs. the Manny
While trying to have a relaxing day to herself at Jay's pool, Haley has her first encounter with Andy (guest star Adam DeVine), the new manny, and things get off to a rough start.
Andy (fending off Haley's flirtation ploy): "I see what you're doing. Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah."
Haley: "That's pretty young, but I guess they do things different over there."
Haley: "Your fingers are so stubby like baby carrots!"
Andy: "Sure, OK, make fun... until you need me to reach into a vending machine, then I'm everyone's best friend."
Clash of Swords