STORY 1: Dinner with Phil, Claire and Haley
Phil and Claire take Haley to dinner to talk to her about her future, but she turns the tables on them when she reveals she has more direction in life than her parents.
Claire (talking up the waiter to Haley, who's suspicious about the dinner agenda): "Well, that Brian is a cutie, huh?"
Phil: "I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. I mean I want his lips on my mouth."
Haley: "Can't we just cut to the chase?"
Phil: "He's got great lips."
Claire: "We just wanted to have a fun night out with our daughter."
Phil: "Yeah, just think of us as your friends."
Haley: "I don't have 45-year-old friends."
Claire: "Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents yet either, honey, so calm down."
Claire: "Is this what you're gonna do with your life? Sleep late and take a selfie?"
Haley: "Why are you always criticizing me? Is this really how you want to start the day?"
Claire: "My day started five hours ago."
Haley: "I am under a lot of pressure!"
Claire: "How? How?!? You take three classes a week and you miss half of them!"
Haley: "The parking is tricky!!!"
Phil (to the waiter): "Hey, Brian. You're a young guy. What do you want to do after this? What's your plan?"
Brian: "Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie and get high. You guys looking for something to do?"
Phil and Claire: "No. No, no."
Brian: "I think I got extra."
Claire: "I think he meant your plan for your life, not just tonight."
Brian: "Oh, I want to be a screenwriter."
Claire: "And so interesting! Isn't that interesting, Haley?"
Claire: "You should tell him what you're doing."
Haley: "Oh, you mean after we all get high with Brian?"
STORY 2: Dinner with Shorty and Darlene
Jay's best friend Shorty (guest star Chazz Palminteri) and his wife Darlene (guest star Jennifer Tilly) visit for dinner, and it turns out to be their time over when the friends reveal they're moving away to Costa Rica. But rather than being happy for Shorty, Jay pushes his friend away since that's the defense mechanism he uses when he's afraid of losing someone.
Gloria: "I'm going to miss you guys."
Jay: "Don't worry about it. I give it three months, tops. You hate the beach. And you know how humid it is down there?"
Shorty: "I love the steam room at the club. It's the same thing, except I don't have to see you sitting there like a pile of melted ice cream."
Jay: "'Cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel."
Shorty "You know what I might try when I'm down there? Surfing."
Jay: "So it's gonna be a closed casket?"
Shorty: "What's with you and Costa Rica?"
Jay: "It's a terrible idea! You get into things without thinking and you need to be rescued! Like that time you bought that car that was supposed to turn into a boat."
Jay: "It turned into a reef!"
STORY 3: Dinner with Cam and Mitch
To relieve the stress of planning their upcoming wedding, Cam and Mitch try to reconnect by having a romantic dinner. Their night out is filled with awkward silences and things get more awkward when they try to help the man at the table next to them propose to his girlfriend.
Mitchell: "Oh, you know, Pepper said for our cake tasting, we needed to have..."
Cameron: "Remember our rules -- no wedding talk, no Lily talk."
Mitchell: "Sorry, no you're right..." [Long awkward pause as they struggle to find something to talk about]
Cameron: "Should we hear about the specials again?"
Mitchell: "We can't ask him a third time."
Clash of Swords