STORY 1: Claire and Phil Spy on Luke
Claire suspects that Luke is up to no good with his friends, so she tracks his cell phone and persuades Phil to help her spy on him. Claire thinks Luke is getting high with his classmates, but it turns out that he's secretly shooting a movie called "Zombie Parkour."
Claire: "I have tracked Luke's cell phone and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's."
Phil: "Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids?"
Haley: "No. And you also shouldn't try to friend us with fake Facebook profiles, Margaux LaCroix."
Claire (tracking Luke's cell phone): "He's lying! Look, his friend Sammy lives here. He's all the way on Olympic and 20th."
Haley: "Olympic and 20th? That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high."
Claire: "What?!? Oh, we are going there right now!"
Phil: "Wait, wait. Are you sure?"
Haley: "I'm gonna answer and then I'm gonna walk away. Deal?"
Haley: "I'm 420% sure."
Phil: "Wow... she's bad at math."
Claire: "We've got to see what's going on in there. Get that drone thing out of the car."
Phil: "That thing is a professional aerial photography tool for real estate use only."
Claire: "You used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels."
Phil: "For my 'Phil Dunphy Will Get You a Heavenly Deal on a Beach House' video! ...A professional real estate tool!"
Claire: "That was the consensus."
Claire: "Do you see anything suspicious, like smoke or paraphernalia or... nachos?"
Luke: "I told you guys. 'Zombie Parkour' is a million-dollar idea."
Manny: "I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. Vampires, maybe. Plus, there's your title: 'Vamparkour.'"
STORY 2: Jay's Dream Makes Gloria Jealous
When Jay repeatedly cries "Oh, baby" during a dream, Gloria gets angry and suspects he's having an affair. She refuses to tell Jay why she's mad, so Jay is left to figure out what he's done wrong.
Phil (advising Jay on how to deal with a suspicious Gloria): "Well, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd tell my lady, 'You got no business being in my business. Respect your man's boundaries!'"
Claire: "Honey, you promised you'd clean the pan if you made brownies."
Phil: "Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first and I'm letting it soak, woman!"
Claire (to Jay): "He only talks like this when you're around."
Jay (leaving): "Well, then he's done for the day."
Jay (after telling Gloria the 'oh, baby' in his dream was referring to their newborn son): "I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't about Joe." [He snuggles Stella the dog] "It was about this little baby, right here."
STORY 3: Mitchell Withholds Gossip from Cam
Mitch and Cam's friend Brett gets calf implants, but their pal reveals the secret only to Mitchell. Cam is quick to figure out that Mitchell has some dirt on their friend, so Mitchell has to struggle with keeping the trust of Cam without betraying the trust of Brett.
Mitchell: "Oh, my gosh, you did it!"
Brett: "I did! Calf implants."
Mitchell: "Wow, you really went for it, didn't you?"
Brett: "No, no, no, they're still swollen."
Mitchell: "And that's why you're wearing sweatpants... I was afraid you'd just given up."
Mitchell (finally revealing the gossip on Brett): "OK, he got calf implants."
Cameron: "Oh, my god! What do they look like?"
Mitchell: "Like he's smuggling two grapefruits."
Mitchell: "Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets."
Cameron: "OK, well I didn't know that was my reputation. Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me."
Mitchell: "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
Cameron: "Well, you did. You know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now."
Clash of Swords