STORY 1: Mitchell at His New Job
Mitchell has accepted a new job at the Center for Justice, founded by his law school friend, Wendy (guest star Aisha Tyler), who was pretty intense back in school. At work, Mitchell starts misinterpreting various clues and jumps to the conclusion that his new boss Wendy is a heartless tyrant.
Mitchell: "I have accepted a job at the CFJ -- the Center for Justice."
Cameron: "Not, it turns out, a secret headquarters for superheroes."
Mitchell (marveling at a photo of Wendy): "Oh my gosh. That's you and Michelle Obama!"
Wendy: "That's my aunt."
Mitchell: "I... am so sorry, I don't know why..."
Wendy: "Calm down, White Guilt, it's Michelle Obama."
Wendy: "I haven't had a date in six months. Some Sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs. But, on the plus side, I have gotten really close with my mom."
Mitchell (looking at a photo on the wall): "Oh, look at that! I see the resemblance!"
Wendy: "That's Maya Angelou."
Mitchell (trying to console Wendy after he wrongly accuses her of being a tyrant): "You're surrounded by people who love you -- Dan and Rex, me! Come here." (Hugs Wendy) "...All the way up to Samuel L. Jackson there!" (Pointing to another photo on the office wall, but then realizing his mistake) "...That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it?"
STORY 2: Phil at the Realtors' Banquet
Phil holds the honor of being the only three-time host of the Southern California Annual Realtors Banquet (SCARB). When Claire can't attend the year's festivities, Phil invites Haley, who throws him off his hosting game when he thinks she's entirely disinterested in his impassioned presentation.
Phil (introducing himself from offstage at the banquet): "Ladies and gentlemen, he's the Emperor of Escrow. He puts the 'tude in Tudor. Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy!!!"
Phil (singing his banquet presentation to the Styx song "Come Sail Away"): "I'm selling away/Set an open house for Saturday..."
Phil (singing his banquet presentation in drag to the Styx song "Come Sail Away"): "I'm a new divorcee/Now I need a house that's cat friendly."
Haley (performing Phil's act on stage): "Quick question, J.J. Why's a great mortgage rate like your wife in bed? Once a month and low interest."
Haley (performing Phil's act on stage): "Margaret Fuhrman's here. A little heads-up to her date: She's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae. Or in her case, 'Fannie definitely will.'"
STORY 3: Cam at the Spring-a-Ding Fling
The beloved, legendary Spanish teacher, Señor Kaplan (guest star Will Sasso), returns to class from a sabbatical in Sri Lanka and steals the spotlight from Cam, who has just organized the school's most successful fundraising event, the "Spring-a-Ding-Fling." While Cam is at the dance and Mitch is at his new job, Gloria and Jay babysit Lily, whom they suspect has broken their phone.
Señor Kaplan (returning to the faculty lounge): "Excuse me, is this a chem lab? Because I'm looking for a big reaction!"
Gloria (insisting Lily is lying about baby Joe breaking her phone): "She lies!"
Jay: "How could Joe pull a bag off a table? He can't even walk. I'll talk to her."
Gloria: "Why you? Because you're such a businessman that knows how to talk to people?"
Jay: "Trust me. When I get done talking to her, not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet."
Cameron: "Next is Faculty Dance. Kaplan can't move. It's on his Tumblr. It's his big shame. Trust me, he can't touch this."
Teacher on P.A. system: "OK, time now for the Faculty Dance. Go teachers!"
Claire (to Cam who's ready to shame Kaplan on the dance floor): "Are you sure?"
Cameron: "Stop. It's Cameron time."
Clash of Swords