STORY 1: The Soap Sculpture
For Mitch and Cam's upcoming wedding, Cam's dad carves a soap sculpture of the couple to be used as their wedding cake topper. Mitch isn't crazy about his likeness ("maybe it's the kicky leg") and he had already used up the three vetoes he was alotted to nix any of Cam's wedding ideas, so he resorts to scheming up a way to get rid of the cake topper.
Cameron: "My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver. Once when I was a kid, I cussed and my mom washed my mouth out with the Leaning Tower of Pisa."
Cameron: "This is a beautiful gift my father made for the top of our wedding cake."
Lily: "I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me."
Jay (giving advice on how to dispose of the soap sculpture): "Let's just say I have a friend who helps me in these kinds of situations."
Mitchell: "I'm listening..."
Jay: "The less you know, the better."
Mitchell: "I'm not listening."
Jay: "We never had this conversation. This is a nonversation."
Mitchell: "Right. I'm giving you the... no-ahead."
STORY 2: Welcome to Jay's Night
Jay hosts a night of dinner, Scrabble and a movie for the families, but Claire isn't very thankful for any of it. When Jay was sick for the past week, she took charge and covered for him at work, handling crisis after crisis, but he still hasn't shown any gratitude. Though she tries to teach Haley and Alex that "approval comes from within," she finds herself growing more resentful toward Jay's lack of appreciation. Meanwhile, Luke tries to get Manny to sneak away from Jay's Night to attend a pool party thrown by sophomore Kristy Hughes ("a.k.a. Kristy Huge Ones," according to Luke).
Jay: "Welcome to Jay's night! Names, please. I want to make sure you're on the list. Kidding, just excited. Appetizers on the bar, Scrabble on the coffee table, and our feature presentation The Great Escape. Speaking of which, Haley..."
Haley: "Don't worry, grandpa. I'm not leaving. I have no plans for the night."
Alex: "Me either."
Haley: "But when I say it, it's news."
Alex: "When you say any complete sentence it's news."
Manny: "This hair at a pool party? One dunk and it goes off like an airbag."
Luke: "I'll grab some snacks."
Manny: "Potato chips, please."
Luke: "Oh, so I can hear how much you hate yourself all night?"
Haley (playing Scrabble): "How am I supposed to do this with so many Is on my rack?"
Manny (embarrassed for looking at her cleavage): "Oh, sorry."
Alex: "Where's Luke? How long does it take him to get the dictionary? We described it for him perfectly."
Manny (leaving to find Luke): "Wait a minute. He's not coming back."
Alex (to Haley who just placed a Scrabble tile): "Move your S."
Manny: "I'm going as fast as I can."
Luke (when Kristy Hughes doesn't know who Luke is): "Who's this?!? Excluse me, Kristy Huge Ones, I have a name."
Manny: "It's like the stuff that used to make me kinda weird, people are starting to like."
Luke: "So? I'm the same as I always was."
Manny: "Well, maybe you could upgrade a little. Retire the Yoda voice. And if a girl tells you she went to London, maybe don't ask if she also saw France."
Luke: "I like things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized."
Luke: "You know, like a freaky outsider? The way an ostrich feels around regular birds."
STORY 3: Phil and Gloria at the Hair Salon
Phil tries to help Gloria sell the old apartment she lived in for five years with Manny before she met Jay. While waiting for a potential buyer, they visit the old hair salon where she used to work, and when the new stylist fails to show up, Gloria and Phil decide to help out.
Phil: "I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay. It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood with a distinct multicultural bent that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal. That's a fancy way of saying the gays found it."
Gloria: "Oh, I don't want to ruin my nails. Phil, will you do my shampooing?"
Jay: "Well, I guess so. We've got the time. Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear. Wow, that was super braggy. What we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch?"
Clash of Swords