STORY 1: Hung Up at the Dry Cleaners
Wedding planner extraordinaire Pepper Saltzman (guest star Nathan Lane) and assistant Ronaldo are busy coordinating Mitch and Cam's big day and wondering why that "boozy huss-hag" Sal (guest star Elizabeth Banks) is officiating. When a wildfire near the wedding site forces Pepper to push up the ceremony by four hours, Mitch, Cam and Lily are left scrambling to retrieve Cam's tux from the dry cleaners, which happens to be closed.
Ronaldo (waking up Mitch and Cam to serve them breakfast in bed): "You paid for a full-service wedding, you get our full packages."
Mitchell: "My mother can't come to the wedding. She was at a yoga retreat and she fell out of a warrior pose and she broke her hip."
Cameron: "Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?"
Mitchell: "Cam, please. They're a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother. Of course, someone pushed her!"
Mitchell: "Enough about dad. He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get tracksuits as casual wear."
Cameron: "What am I gonna wear to our wedding? My black funeral suit? Is that the tone you want to set?"
Mitchell: "You wore it to one funeral and you didn't even know Bea Arthur."
Lily (on Sal being pregnant): "You're huge."
Sal: "Nice teeth."
STORY 2: Phil and Alex Blindly Buy a Wedding Gift
Mitchell and Cameron want a turquoise Italian glass bowl as a wedding gift, so Claire sends Phil to pick it up at the store. Since Phil isn't supposed to drive himself after his eye doctor appointment, Alex is tasked with taking Phil on the shopping trip, though he'd prefer to go with Luke instead. Phil always has more fun with Luke, so he tries to show Alex to a good time at the store.
Alex: "My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun, he goes straight to Luke. They have a weird connection. They're like Batman and Robin. Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg."
Phil (pretending to be blind while checking the glass bowl): "Yeah, that doesn't feel like turquoise."
Salesman: "You can feel color? You gotta be kidding me."
Phil: "When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened. That's why you sound so loud and judgy to me."
Clash of Swords