S1 E12 Not In My House

01/13/10 | TV-PG | CC

Haley accuses Alex of reading her journal, a charge the middle Dunphy child vehemently denies. This issue gets put on hold when Claire discovers that a picture of a topless woman driving a tractor has been downloaded on her computer. She assumes Luke is the one who was gazing at the unfettered farm girl, but the naked truth is that it was Phil. See, he gets these emails from a friend and still hasn't gotten the whole "delete" thing down.

Phil can't quite bring himself to come clean. So when a furious Claire says she's going to have it out with Luke, Phil promises to handle it. He enters Luke's room, closes the door and proceeds to say absolutely nothing about naked women on tractors. He tells Claire that he promised to keep his conversation with Luke confidential. She should never bring it up. Ever! She doesn't. But Luke does.

Actually, Luke is feeling guilty because he's the one who read Haley's journal. But Claire thinks he's being remorseful over topless tractor lady. A slightly bizarre conversation ensues until the truth finally comes out. It was Luke who read the journal and Phil who was staring at soft-core porn. Believe it or not, Claire is actually relieved. See, Luke is her baby and she just wasn't ready for him to lose his innocence. She's such a mom.

If you're ever looking for a gift to give to that special someone, you may want to consider a dog butler. What's a dog butler, you ask? Well, it's a life-size mannequin (or muttequin) that is dressed like a butler. Jay picked up the kitschy canine in Vegas. He says, "He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who couldn't love him?" You mean besides your wife? She believes the Dog Butler is scary and may, in fact, be the devil. El Diablo. She's also a little put-off by all of the attention Jay seems to be paying to Barkley.

Cameron and Mitchell's plans to attend the Moscow Marionette Theatre may be in jeopardy when they catch sight of their gardener sobbing by the hedges. Mitchell wants to sneak out the back, but the always helpful Cameron won't hear of it. He invites the gardener inside to talk things out. Too bad he doesn't speak English.

Mitchell gets mad at Cameron for being an obsessive help-o-holic. Cam sarcastically suggests that they ignore the gardener's pain and head off to puppet show. When he opens the front door, a woman in a wedding gown is standing on the other side. She doesn't speak English either. It's probably safe to assume this has something to do with the gardener.

Mitchell stops by Jay's place, where his dad is trying to repair a slightly damaged dog butler. They have a heart-to-heart chat about the fact that they both married people who are very different from them. But that's a good thing. Jay says, "At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to." Gloria happens to catch sight of him as he says this. Unfortunately, Jay is holding hands with the dog butler at the time. She silently flees the scene.

When Mitchell returns home, he apologizes to Cameron for how he acted. Cameron also admits that sometimes he goes a bit too far when it comes to helping others, which is why he tries to keep Mitchell out of the house. See, the gardener was crying because it was his wedding day and he got a little nervous. He's better now, which is why he gets married in front of family and friends right there in Mitchell and Cameron's living room. Wonder where they'll honeymoon.

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