STORY 1: The Funeral for Larry the Cat's Wife
Mitchell has trouble letting go and surrendering control, while Cameron has trouble keeping things small and under control. When Larry the cat disappears, Cam tries to cover it up by telling Lily a snowballing series of white lies that ultimately have him throwing a fake funeral for Larry's late, made-up cat wife. Meanwhile, Mitchell gets too caught up in cleaning his office that he gets stuck in his air duct.
Cameron: "So while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say so far I'm partial to Floral & Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump."
Cameron (on being nonchalant about the possible death of Larry the cat): "It's not nonchalant, it's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything."
Mitchell: "Oh so, what, if I were to die you'd just wait a few weeks and then replace me?"
Cameron: "Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?"
Lily: "I thought cats had nine lives."
Cameron: "Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was and she'd been married eight times before."
Lily: "Like Elizabeth Taylor?"
Cameron: "Oh, you remember our bedtime stories!"
STORY 2: Phil and His Divorcees
Phil discovers he has a knack for selling homes to newly divorced moms. He begins lavishing too much attention on the divorcees, and Claire gets fed up that Phil isn't devoting enough time to his own family and home, where the kids are trying to recoup some losses in Luke's poker game with classmates.
Phil: "I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients: recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single mother lode."
Diane (a recently divorced mom): "It's a great house, but I'm just going to be alone."
Phil: "Diane, you're not going to be alone. You're gonna get a loan."
Haley: "Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning!"
Alex: "It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree, and I'm not switching places with you so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed."
Haley: "Why? So my feet get the pillow?!?"
Haley (on Luke's poker game): "Mind if I sit in?"
Luke: "We kinda got a no girls policy."
Haley: "Is it a policy or something that just keeps happening?"
Phil (to Claire who's feeling neglected): "Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women, but there's only one I'm married to."
Claire: "You're getting too involved, Phil. You're juggling these women, and you're not that good a juggler."
Phil: "Now you're just lashing out!"
Haley (on Alex going too far in the poker game and losing): "There's a story about that I remember from school... Icarus, flew too close to his son, I think their wings bumped, one of them fell. They might've been ducks."
STORY 3: Baby Joe Is Cursed
After Baby Joe gets kicked out of the kids gym for being too rough, Gloria convinces herself that Baby Joe is carrying the family curse so she calls a priest for help.
Gloria: "There is the mark of a devil in my family. My great-great-grandfather was given the location of an emerald mine... in exchange for his soul."
Jay: "Is there like paperwork or something that proves this?"
Gloria: "They say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away."
Jay: "You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird?"
Gloria: "I only know what I was told!"
Jay: "I'm just sayin' after the third time, we might think about moving the party inside."
Jay: "You ever hear of Death Wish?"
Gloria: "Oh, I love Death Wish! Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or the Super Bowl with Justin Bieber."