S1 E09 Merry Crap-Mas

21:33 | 12/05/12 | TV-PG | CC

The Weavers finished shopping early, so they're stashing their wrapped gifts at the Bird-Kersees' house. Larry's annoyed; he thinks Christmas is just an "orgy of commercialism." The Weavers disagree…until they get home and their kids want gifts early and/or are making three-page amendments to their lists. So Marty and Debbie hatch a crazy plan: Take all the presents back, and spend the money on a family vacation.

It's brilliant! Except for the part where, overcome with perverse curiosity, the Bird-Kersees go into a Christmas frenzy and tear open all the gifts, and have used or broken all of them within, oh, a half-hour.

Memorable Quotes:

Marty: It's become all about the stuff! Our kids are completely out of control!
Debbie: I hated all three of them just now, Marty. In that moment, I hated all three of our children.

Dick: Oh father, I love it when you make fun of children.

Dick (holding up an iPad): I got a bike! Cool!

Amber: No presents for Christmas this year? Great. You've ruined the one day a year I actually find this family tolerable.
Max: So, just to be clear, I've been good all year and I'm getting lumped in with her?

Marty: Can you remind me again why we want to be alone on an island with these children?

Dick: I didn't like Tiny Tim. Little, weird, and totally unrelatable.

The Weavers freak out once Christmas is ruined. Debbie explains to Jackie that with the kids growing up, they thought this might be the last Christmas they'd have the whole family under one roof for a magical Xmas morning. Abby explains to Larry that Santa told her Christmas is all about family.

So Larry and the rest of the Zabvronians spring into action and assemble a wonderful celebration that brings Hawaii to them -- a tree (stolen from a car dealership), decorations, Hula dancers, strippers, and even a Christmas swine!

Hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

Memorable Quotes:

Debbie: Jackie, this is a major screw-up.
Jackie: Oh no, not again! It's just that you have so many holidays for us to screw up. Can't we just get to the part where everything ends up being all right and we learn from one another?

Abby: Santa knows when you've been naughty. And he knows when you've been nice.
Larry: Does he know where the gym is? Because he's going to lose a foot to diabetes.

Debbie: Even Amber -- she had the sweetest look of excitement on her face the first few Christmases. I hang onto that memory when she says hurtful things to me.
Jackie: Aww. I imagine you must think of that several times a day.

Debbie: Not only did you screw my pooch, but you didn't call her the next day either.

Debbie (off Amber's genuine Christmas happiness): Oh, there's the Christmas face I've been hanging onto for all these years!
Amber: You owe me a snowboard.
Debbie: And there's the one I've learned to accept.

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